Con Kid, Con You

Fall Dodgeball - Week Five: A Lean Six, and We Still Crush.

2011-10-17T22:50:00.000-07:00

Just really making it happen.

We're tied for first place right now, with one more week to go before playoffs. Feeling good. Feeling confident.

Check out more videos from Week Five here.

The Films of Judy Greer, Part Twenty-Six: The Go-Getter (2007)

2011-10-07T00:32:00.000-07:00

I really need to write about these movies right after I watch them. It's been at least a month (possibly two) since I saw the shit out of this, and now I'm having to rack the ol' brain to remember all the pointed witticisms I was mentally reeling off during my viewing. I'll see what I can pull together.

I'd never heard of this film, or maybe I had and I'd mentally blocked it out, because when I see Zooey Deschanel's face on a poster with that shaky, hand-drawn font that has been brutally overused during the past five years, I just assume that I'll end up buried under its preciousness. So, if Greer wasn't in this, I'd probably not have given it a shot. But, she is, and in the end, I'm glad I watched it. It was definitely precious, but there were enough show-stealing, well-played cameos to keep it from suffocating itself with its own wide-eyed wonderment.

The movie starts in Eugene, which was a nice surprise, features an early random appearance of M. Ward (who provides the majority of the soundtrack), and then turns road-trip, taking the lead coming-of-age dude on a long drive in a stolen car to find his brother and get some closure on some things that have been eating away at him. Needless to say, Jena Malone shows up midway through, as she does in most movies like this.

Nick Offerman and Maura Tierney also make appearances, playing different breeds of hard-asses in separate scenes. Offerman is mustache-less and blazing weed, and it's cool to see him not doing the Ron Swanson.

Greer plays a girl (credited as "Better Than Toast") who lives in the same hippie commune-ish house that Offerman's character does, and she's only in a few scenes, playing a stoney, flighty, of-the-earth gal who relishes living in the moment. It's mad cosmic.

The movie is a series of run-ins with different characters who have been associated with the lead character's brother, as well as behind-the-wheel cell-phone conversations with Zooey, who is the owner of the car that the dude jacked (long story, and a very cutesy, highly unrealistic one). It moves along quickly, and as much as I rolled my eyes at certain parts, I actually enjoyed it quite a bit. As far as I can remember.

This was when Greer was post-Love Monkey but pre-Miss Guided. It was a simpler time. Meanwhile, I creep ever closer to 27 Dresses. I'm scared.

Fall Dodgeball - Week Four: All Aboard the Victory Express.

2011-10-06T00:25:00.000-07:00

Whenever I hit an opposing player so hard that it makes one of my teammates laugh, I know I've done my job.

More videos here.

And the ones from last week are here.

Again, apologies for the lack of summaries. But these moving pictures say more than I ever could. And I'm lazy.

Fall Dodgeball - Week One: The Gym is Yellow Now.

2011-09-18T20:29:00.000-07:00

Weird, right? It's a whole new world.

You'll have to do without my patented brand of wittery this week, but there are some sweet vids here.

We won one and lost one. Because that's what we do in our first week.

Mad predictable.

The Films of Judy Greer, Part Twenty-Five: The TV Set (2006)

2011-08-13T03:16:00.000-07:00

A bearded David Duchovny as a sensitive, passionate director trying to get his semi-autobiographical project into the fall lineup without compromising his ideals? Didn't strike me as a movie I would enjoy laying on my back and staring at. But I gotta say: this thing was highly enjoyable.

Greer's good at mixing in a Lollilove or The Amateurs between her What Women Want and 13 Going on 30 cash runs, so it's not like I'm surprised. But this is one of those little indie movies (much like The Amateurs) that has some legit star power to it, and doesn't suck at all. It's refreshing.

Along with Duchovny, the flick also features Sigourney Weaver as a bitchy TV exec, Justine Bateman as Duchovny's wife, and a bunch of other familiar faces that are no strangers to movies like this: Willie Garson, Phillip Baker Hall, Andrea Martin - you even get a little self-depricating Jonathan Silverman, which is always a treat.

Yes, this is one of those Hollywood movies about how Hollywood sucks, but it's written and directed by Jake Kasdan, who's one of Judd Apatow's homeboys, and the dude who made Zero Effect, which remains one of the most criminally underrated movies of the 90's. Anyway, the point is, the guy's got his shit together, and though you can tell they didn't have much of a budget for this thing, it doesn't matter. It's sharply written, moves quick, and the casting is spot-on.

Greer plays Duchovny's agent Alice, a girl who plays the game, but also wants to keep everyone happy, which is tough when she's surrounded by assholes all day. You'd expect her character to be a hardass, and she can be, but she mostly seems exhausted from trying not to become one of the people she's constantly arguing with. Interesting take.

And, an interesting movie. I recommend the shit out of it.

This is movie 25, by the way. I'm moving slow, but it's getting done. Still fun.

Anybody got bootleg tapes of Love Monkey?

Blogging Has Calmed, But Videos Still Roll.

2011-07-24T03:14:00.000-07:00

I'm currently taking a break from blogging all my extracurricular sporting endeavors, but there are still videos being uploaded.

Check them out here.

Sorry for the lack of coverage, but my free time is being taken up by new music I'm making, and unfortunately this was one of the things I had to shove aside for the time being.

You understand. I'm just too creative for my own good.

The Films of Judy Greer, Part Twenty-Four: American Dreamz (2006)

2011-07-14T23:55:00.000-07:00

I rented this flick sometime in the last four years, watched it, enjoyed it, and then more or less forgot what it was about. So, I rented it again a couple months ago, watched it, enjoyed it, and then proceeded to not blog about it until today. So, it's not fresh in my mind, but I've seen it twice now, so you'd think I'd be an expert on this witty, biting satire.

If that sounds sarcastic, it is, kind of, but really, for a major motion picture starring Hugh Grant - something I would normally avoid - it's pretty sharp. It's based around an American Idol-type show, but the level of excitement surrounding it is amplified to irrational levels, to the point where no one finds it odd that the President of the United States (a dim, W.-esque Dennis Quaid) agrees to appear on the show. I'll go in for some over-the-top social commentary, and this movie works the angle hard without making any ultra-annoying, beat-you-over-the-head statements about our national obsession with quick-fix fame. Don't get me wrong: those statements are there, but they don't feel the need to hammer 'em home at every turn, and it's nice. Show, don't tell. There's a valuable lesson for all you "creative" types out there.

Greer plays the assistant to Grant's character (or maybe she's a producer?), who is the host of the show that everyone in this movie is trying to get on, win, or sabotage. She's slightly bitchy, openly sycophantic, and rocking some very flattering lady suits. It's all good stuff.

In other Greer-related news, she got engaged recently. Plus, I think she's got a role in the upcoming George Clooney movie, which actually looks good. It's all coming up Greer.

Spring Dodgeball Wednesdays - Week Seven: Cham Peens.

2011-05-27T01:53:00.000-07:00

Realizing I've been a bit absent from the ol' blog here for a few weeks. I was out of town last week, so that's one reason. The other is that the week before that both nights were cripplingly boring, so I apparently wasn't able to muster the strength to write them up. I think we figured out that both nights we bested our opponents by a combined score of 19-1 (that's for each night), and there wasn't really much to say about it. In more exciting news, we won the championship in the Monday night league. In less exciting news, I wasn't there, so you'll have to ask somebody else how that all went down.

What I can talk about is what happened this Wednesday, which I'm very glad I didn't miss. After a season in which we never held the first-place slot (I don't think), but were always hovering near the top (damn you, tie game!), I think we all felt like it was time to show folks who the reigning champs were. The order of the evening was punishment, and we ladled it out like we had a bottomless vat of the stuff.

Our first opponents were a team that we had beaten fairly easily in the regular season, and after a slight hiccup while they were waiting for their female half to show up, we set to wrecking their chances for a second round in the winner's bracket. They have this one dude who has the meanest sinker in the league, and he pegged me with it at least twice, if not three times. Thankfully, his dodging skills didn't match his throwability quotient, which is something that doesn't actually exist. But look for some vids of him making me look like I've never caught a ball before. Serious movement. But dodgeball is a team sport, and one man cannot do all the work. And he didn't. We won 7-1.

That put us up against the winner from the other first-round match, and wouldn't you know it: it was the team that we had tied way back in Week Two. It was score settlin' season, and we had a hankerin' for some settlin'. Or something like that. Things looked like they might be interesting for the first game or two, but it soon became clear that we had no intention of not dominating the shit out of them. Retribution would be ours, and we'd get it through a series of sweet catches and shin shots. Guard your feet, ladies. After the dust cleared and a few of their players grabbed their hankies and daubed at their tears of frustration, we took our 7-2 win, pulled it close, and proceeded to caress it while we took a 40-minute break to watch the other matches play out.

These were the matches that would determine who we would face in the championships, and it quickly became clear that no matter who we faced, we were up for a challenge. The extended break helped us out, because we were playing with a lean six, so we had that going for us. But, the team we were playing - a team that really, really would love to beat us but rarely does - were fresh off an upset victory and looked like they were ready to ride that adrenaline train to Championship City, where they would stay at the Bragging Rights Inn.

For like a hundred years (and bear with me here because I'm going from memory because I'm too lazy to look any of this up), there had never been a team in Major League Baseball who had been down 3-0 in a seven-game series and come back to win it 4-3. I'm pretty sure somebody finally did that in the last decade, and when it happened, it was monumental, because that stat had haunted teams for as long as anyone could remember. I was thinking about that after we found ourselves down 3-0 in the championship game.

But I was also thinking about how winning would be super sweet, and we should probably get on that. So, we stopped playing like a bunch of wusses, got our shit together, and put together one of the greatest comebacks in adult dodgeball history. It's all a blur to me now, but if you watch the last two videos from the night, you can see how we made it happen. Mostly it involved hitting the other team more than they hit us.

Repeat champs? Yeah, that's right. And, not to toot my own horn, but I was awarded Player of the Week for all that sweat I left on the dirty gym floor.

"Brad led his team to the championship by showing excellent leadership skills to go with great individual play. His catches are envied by many players and his throws are always firm with great movement. His laid back demeanor also keeps his team under control and steady. Great week Brad!"

Thank you. It was a great week.

Final standings are here, including a long-ass write-up of the evening by the league.

Lots more videos here.

Next season we take it outdoors.

Spring Dodgeball Wednesdays - Week Four: Cool Out, Broseph.

2011-05-08T23:47:00.000-07:00

I was out of town for the third week of the season (and it's looking like I'll be gone for the sixth week, too - I'm quite a captain!), and in case you haven't been checking the standings religiously (which I'm sure you have - I can't be the only one with a ton of money riding on all this), I'll sum up last week for you: we won both games. Handily, too. Turns out I'm not the essential catalyst I thought I was. But, hey: I'm not going to complain about quality team play, even if it is in my absence.

Speaking of quality team play, there was a lot of it on display this past Wednesday. By us. Our first match was against a team that we play - and routinely beat - every season, and this time around would offer no surprises. They're really nice and fun to play, though, so I don't want to sound like too much of fake jerk. They have always been cool to us, and I hope they feel that we've done the same for them. We had the early games this week, which means folks are always rushing to get there and rolling in late, so they had to start short a few folks in the beginning. Which was a bummer for them.

But, their players rolled in quickly after the match started, which was good, because I didn't want to hear anyone complaining about how shit was lopsided. I want to beat you fair and square. And, that's exactly what happened. Final tally: 7-2. Ovaries knocked loose on the opposition: I counted three. Possibly four. It's always hard to tell if you catch 'em both.

Our second match was against a team with which we've always had some bad blood, and this evening would do nothing to squash it.

I don't want to get into the specifics because it's all really stupid, but words were exchanged and a sweet bro on their team was being pissy. I shook his hand after we clobbered the shit out of his team, so hopefully the drama will cease in future meetings between our two squads, but I doubt it. And that's fine. Because we always beat them, so I think we all know who truly has the upper hand in the whole she-bang. And it's not the guy on the verge of tears throwing like a spaz.

The season is chugging along, and if it weren't for that lame-ass draw we had a few weeks back, we'd be tied for first place (if we had won). Instead, we're in second. Standings here.

Plenty more videos here.

Enjoy the drama.

Spring Dodgeball Mondays - Week Five: This Bird Has Flown.

2011-05-05T23:55:00.000-07:00

When you're really good at dodgeball, to the point where you're just dominating the shit out of any and all goofballs that dare take you on, it can be frustrating. Not for you, of course, because you're winning all the time and it's fucking swizz. But for your opponents - those poor saps that get their thighs and mid-sections thumped repeatedly for twenty straight minutes - it can be an exercise in futility:

You throw a ball: I catch it.

You re-enter the game only to scurry away like a sissy at the very sight of me: I use my laser-aim to peg you, cross-court steez.

Later I throw a ball and you make the mistake of trying to catch it: it literally removes your hands from your arms, and you have to spend the rest of your sad life telling the story about that dude who was so sweet at dodgeball that he took your mitts off, with the upside being that the throw was so heat-laced that it instantly cauterized the wound. So you didn't have to go to the hospital; you merely had to have somebody pick up your severed hands and put them in your duffel bag for you - and then put the duffel around your neck because you can't carry it - all so you could hang your head and go home, because you can't really finish a match with no hands. And, it wouldn't have mattered, because you were going to lose anyway.

Yes, we continue to win. Our first match was against a team that we had already beat this season, and we beat them again after a slow start. Nothing to worry about, but I think we were tied 2-2 before we got our shit together and took it 5-2.

But the real fun came in our second match, when we frustrated a gal to the point where she flipped us the bird not once, but twice. I didn't see it the first time, but the second one was captured above in all its high-flying glory. I think she may have been subbing and wasn't prepared for the continuous onslaught of bullets that were flying all around her. So she resorted to hand gestures. Well played, miss.

In the end, her bird-flippery got her nowhere, and we defeated her and her team 6-2, bringing our overall record to an astounding 10-0. Yes, we're getting the job done.

Check the standings here. We are ahead of the other teams.

Six more action-packed videos here. Enjoy.

Spring Dodgeball Mondays - Week Four: Oh, How the Mighty Have Almost Fallen.

2011-04-27T01:08:00.000-07:00

Oh my god, would someone just buy me this Mario dodgeball game and get it over with? It's getting embarrassing that I don't own it. I'd buy it for myself but my wife doesn't let me handle any of our money. I get a food allowance and an expired ATM card to keep up appearances. It's a sad state of affairs.

In a sign that we are clearly getting over-confident and possibly approaching cocky, we almost got handed our first loss of the season on Monday, by a team that we had already beat this season. But before I get to that, I should mention that we finally hit double-digits for the first time this season, in the form of an 11-1 trouncing of a team that was playfully talking smack to some of my teammates, pre-match. After their humiliating defeat, their mouths closed and their eyes opened up, unleashing a torrential downpour of tears that left me smugly satisfied. Hit the bricks, pal. That's what I should have said.

Riding high off that initial landslide, we strolled into our second match like the untouchable force that we believe ourselves to be. Quickly we were behind. Then we were tied. Then it went to some back-and-forth shit that seemed to never want to end. This team really wanted to beat us. And they could have. They have some dudes who are fairly badass, and I could tell that they really had a competition boner for us. It came down to a tiebreaker, and somehow, as sweaty as we were, we handled that game as well as we could have, punctuating the victory with a decisive final win. That felt good, but the rest of the match was shaky. A lesson to us: stop thinking you are so sweet, because some unassuming girl will come out of the corner and tag you in the ribcage and make you look like a goon.

Standings are here.

Hopefully have some videos next week. But I make no promises.

Spring Dodgeball Wednesdays - Week Two: Fast Kicking, Low Scoring, and Ties!

2011-04-27T00:43:00.000-07:00

You Simpsons diehards know what I'm talkin' about.

There was a time, not so long ago, when our dodgeball matches didn't end without a winner being declared. Apparently those days are over. There's been a rise in "draws" over the last year, and I can't help but attribute it directly to supreme idiocy, coupled with the referees' smug satisfaction at holding the key to our happiness, hinged solely on the outcome of these evenings, in the palms of their hands.

In the end, a tie accomplishes little other than leaving both teams frustrated, while also fudging up the standings so that the rankings are a little less than accurate. And, inevitably, it turns what has been, up to that point, a very exciting match into an anticlimactic shitshow that everyone feels like just wasted 20 minutes of their otherwise pathetic lives.

If you haven't figured it out yet, our first match ended in a tie. It was against a team that we always have trouble beating, and have lost to many times in the past. We had memorable matches against them last season, and there was a score-settling vibe surrounding our match this time around. No score was settled. Instead, we're both tied for third place. The most annoying part: after the match was called, we both had to wait five minutes for the match on the opposite court to finish so the evening could move on. Well played, officials. Well played.

If the tie had any positive ramifications, it was that we were mad frustrated going into our second match, and ended up shutting out a team that, if I recall correctly, gave us a solid go of it last season. This time around we didn't give them a chance. If only we could get that pissed before our first match. We need to start slapping each other in the parking lot.

Because I won't be in the state, I have to miss our matches this week, which hurts me. In a sad move, I tried to schedule my departing flight for as late as possible, but alas, it was not late enough. I will be missed.

Standings are here.

Bunch more quality videos here.

Think my wife takes one in the iPhone at some point. Watch for that.

Spring Dodgeball Mondays - Week Three: Be Very Afraid.

2011-04-20T00:37:00.000-07:00

For the first time in a long time, I have no video evidence of the beatdowns that we laid upon teams this week. Blame my wife, who now spends all her time drinking boxed wine, eating expired chocolate, and watching Mexican soap operas. This marriage is falling apart.

But our dodgeball team continues to flourish! We rolled over two more teams on Monday night, keeping our undefeated streak going through the third week of the season. Not bad. I'm liking this Monday league - and not just because we're in first place. The drama levels are lower (than Wednesdays), and the whole vibe of the thing seems a bit more fun. And there's nothing wrong with that.

Not much to say about the games. We played them, we won them, and instead of having video I have a screen cap from the dodgeball game I've been playing on my iPad. Which is pretty sweet, btw. But man, that bald dude can be frustrating. I'm still getting the hang of it.

Standings are here. We are at the top.

Spring Dodgeball Wednesdays - Week One: Looks Like the Pummelers Have Become the Pummelees.

2011-04-17T22:36:00.000-07:00

When you're the defending champions, everyone wants to beat you. Everyone wants to say they took down the champs. I think we forgot about that. Not that we strolled into the gym on Wednesday over-confident, but we may just not have been as focused as we should have been. Whatever the reason, we were back to our typical first-game routine: taking a beating to remind us that we need to go into every match with the ferocity of a rabid hyena on crystal meth. Or something like that.

Our first match was against a team that we've played many times - a team that always presents a serious challenge for us. This time around, there was no challenge: they took control early and made us look like a bunch of rookies. We kept looking for reasons why we got worked over so easily, and though we came up with some flimsy ones, none of them stuck. We just got flat-out beat. It had been a while since we lost one, and that was a bummer. But, it's not the first time it happened, and it won't be the last. All we could do was bounce back.

The next team we played seemed half-familiar. I think they picked up some new players, because they were running deeper than I recall. We started off shaky again, but once we found our footing, we sailed. The match was not without tension, however: One of the dudes on their team was a bit of a hothead, and, long story short, some of that eventually spilled over onto the court, and into the ears and face of the ref. (You can see some of this in one of the videos, I believe.) Dude was ejected a game before the match was over, and when we left the gym (at least five minutes after the match had ended), he was still arguing with the ref. Over adult dodgeball.

So, another weird opening week for us, which is nothing new. Lost one 2-7, won one 7-2. Cosmic. I'm looking forward to seeing how this season pans out. People seem amped up. Should be a good one.

Standings are here. We're wallowing around in the middle.

More videos here. If you dare.

It's gonna be a wild one.

Spring Dodgeball Mondays - Week Two: There's No Stopping What Can't Be Stopped.

2011-04-13T17:31:00.000-07:00

Ice Cube knows what I'm talking about.

In an evening that will no doubt drastically increase opposing teams' already-growing fear of us, we took to the courts Monday night and put on a display that, to me, has the makings of a Hollywood blockbuster. Against all odds - and believe me, the odds were not in our favor - we not only prevailed, but dominated.

Four of our players were out with various engagements/work-related things/probable lies, so the remaining five of us were left to not only play every single game of every match, but also to do it without a full team. Luckily, I was on some Han Solo "Never tell me the odds" shit, so I just acted like I didn't give a fuck. Which I didn't.

Our first match was against a team that won the championship in the Monday league last year, and did so with an undefeated record. They had eight players; we had five. They tried really hard; we tried harder. They lost; we won. And then they whined about us cheating, even though we won by three games. Apparently one of our players got hit and didn't go out (in an honest mistake), but I'm not sure that it would have made up for three losses. But if they need to tell themselves that and kick balls across the gym when the match is over, that's totally cool, bro.

Our second match (with no break, mind you - check our sweat levels) was against the only other team in the league that won both of their games last week (along with us and the first team we beat), so we knew we were in for a challenge. But when we saw that their squad was rolling ten deep, we knew that they would at least have the gods of restery on their side.

It didn't matter. They kept cycling through players and we kept pelting them relentlessly with an array of rockets to the chest, groin, back, and buttocks. Pretty sure I ruptured some dude's kidney. Still waiting on confirmation on that one. After all was said and done, we won 6-3. Just like our first match. Victory, female tennis style.

So, now we sit, perched atop the standings, watching our opponents grumble with targets in their eyes. And we laugh maniacally and sweat through our shirts.

Standings are here.

Lots more videos here.

Wednesday night league starts tonight. My arm hasn't been this strong since I was 16. Seriously. I'm a human fucking cannon right now.

The Films of Judy Greer, Part Twenty-Three: Full Disclosure (2005)

2011-04-07T00:58:00.000-07:00

I was going to skip this 15-minute short film, but then I remembered that I am the sort of person who wants to do things right. And if you start skipping films based on stupid things like their length, the next thing you know you're going to skip films based on legitimately off-putting factors, like their inclusion of Katherine Heigl, and then I'd never get to see 27 Dresses, which I'm already assuming will be one of the defining moments of my adult life.

So, I decided I'd track it down.

I'm a cheap, cheap man, so instead of paying the $1.99 to watch it on iTunes, I somehow figured out that it was available as a bonus feature on the DVD of one of the director's other movies, Entry Level, and I Netflixed the shit out of it, skipping the feature and heading straight to the supplemental materials, where it was indeed housed.

This short is about two people in a restaurant on a first date, during which the dude decides to lay all his faults on the table instead of wasting any time with the more perfunctory aspects of dating. He's feeling like he's getting old, and he knows he wants to get married. So, if it ain't gonna work, he's not up for dicking around with pleasantries.

I kept feeling like I'd seen a scene similar to this before, though I still can't pinpoint exactly what I'm thinking of. (Maybe a bit of the "My name is George and I live with my parents" opposite-Costanza thing from Seinfeld?) Regardless, the dude who wrote and directed this does a good job of packing a ton of mostly-sharp dialogue into the limited space, and he also manages to cut away from the restaurant scene here and there, which makes for a nice way of breaking up the monotony of two people staring at each other from across a table.

The ending is mad cheesy, but I never thought it wasn't going to be. All in all, not required viewing for anyone but me, but this didn't completely drown me in its corniness, which was shocking. It threatened to, but it didn't.

Spring Dodgeball Mondays - Week One: Fear Us.

2011-04-05T00:29:00.000-07:00

What? Dodgeball on a Monday? That's right, chumps. We love it so much that we're doubling up. There's separate leagues for Mondays and Wednesdays, so starting next week, we'll be playing two simultaneous seasons. Not with exactly the same team, but mostly. It's going to be pretty sweet.

Tonight was the first night I'd ever played on a Monday, and I gotta say: it was a good way to start the week. My wife was less enthused, so we'll see how long I can drag her to the games to film the action. Anyone want to freelance iPhone film some dodgeball games on Monday nights for the price of... on the house? You just let me know and we'll make it happen.

The dodgeball clinic that we put on tonight served two purposes: One, it gave us two fat wins with which to start the season, which is always nice. Two, it let the league know that we came to conquer, and that they should prepare for the ass whuppery that will continue to take place during the coming weeks: Shins will be shattered irreparably, spines will be wretched, pummeled, and generally abused, and egos will be ground down to a fine paste, which I will pour milk on and eat like Cream of Wheat.

The first team we played tonight looked familiar to me, and I think at least some of them have played in the Wednesday night league before. Maybe that would explain why they weren't surprised when we never allowed them to win a game. When you start the season with a shutout, it shows people that you have no mercy. It also means there's nowhere to go but down, so I guess it's a double-edged sword. With, you know, one edge being sharp, and the other one dipped in liquid there's-nothing-to-shoot-for-anymore.

Anyway, yes, we beat that team like 9-0.

The next team was not looking to get shut out, and get shut out they didn't. They had some dudes who could throw, catch, and rock sweet goatees, and those are not things that we take lightly. Still, when they did get some wins, it was after we had already jumped out to a solid lead, so they didn't really mean much. Well, they meant that they lost, I guess, because they had fewer wins than we did. Not sure of the final tally, but I think it was around 6-2.

So, we charged into the Monday night league and probably became the team that everybody doesn't like because we crushed some foolz. Well, I'm not there to make friends. I'm there to burn off all the cake I ate over spring break, and thanks to the rancid humidity in the gym tonight, I got a good start on that.

Standings will be here. We are Die Awesome with a Vengeance.

Plenty more sweet vids here. Please watch them. They take forever to upload and it's really annoying.

Winter Dodgeball - Week Seven: Champions.

2011-03-24T01:05:00.000-07:00

Yeah, that's right.

I found out on the way to the playoffs tonight that we were going to be short two of our dudes. That left us with three, which is all you need to play, but that also means said dudes (of which I am one) start every game and get very little down time. Our ladies were faced with this a few times this season, so I guess it was our turn. I was ready to sweat. Little did I know we wouldn't even get a break between games. But I'll get to that.

Our first match was against one of the first teams we played in the regular season - a squad that gave us one of the closer matches we saw during the past six weeks - so we were on guard from the get-go. I don't know what exactly came over us, but we barreled out there and just started going nutso. We were catching everything, drilling girls in the ankles, and pelting dudes in the chests. It was a sight to see. After not having a shutout since the first game of the season, we took this team out 10-0, and shit was rolling.

One of the guys on their team came up to me after the match and said that he had never seen us playing so well, and that we better keep it going and win the championship. I told him I'd give it a shot. (Side note: teams, if they have to lose in the playoffs, prefer to lose to the team that goes on to win it all. It makes them feel better than dropping a match to some random scrubs.)

Our second-round match was against another team that gave us a good go during the regular season, and a team that we've had a bit of a feud with off-and-on for a year or so. They were in good spirits tonight, and so were we, and since we all remained mostly loosey-goosey, we ended up playing one of the greatest matches in recent memory. Reciting all the gritty details would be cumbersome, but I will say this: we made some insanely huge key plays, which is something we're not always strong at. It felt great. It was a bit of a seesaw battle, but towards the end, we pulled away, locking in a clutch win with time running out that sealed up the victory. It was sweet. Final score: 5-3. Them: dejected. Us: sweaty but enthusiastic.

So, we had played two matches right in a row, and our two victories had landed us in the championship game. Again: no break. We usually play two matches a night, and we usually have enough dudes so we can sit out a game if we need a breather. We were headed into our third straight match, with none of us dudes having sat out one game. Strangely, I wasn't that exhausted. I was tired, but not dying. And when you're in The Show, you've gotta give it your all.

We were facing a team that we've been playing for years, and I'm pretty sure they hate us. They brought in a few ringers to try and secure themselves a championship ring (actually, it's an embroidered wristband), and I thought that was weak. So did everyone else. Instead of whining, we just pummeled the shit out of them and watched as they crumbled. Not that it was an easy win. Pretty sure we were tied 2-2 at one point, but then we pulled ahead near the end and took a game that we knew would make it impossible for them to catch up. With the championship nailed down, we half-assed it through one last game, took the 5-3 victory, and whooped as loud as a completely spent bunch of ballerz can. It felt good.

This was arguably our most impressive season. We only lost one match, and had to go through some tough teams in the playoffs to get the title. I'm going to be sore tomorrow. But when ESPN calls, I'll be ready. I heard they're doing a SportsCentury feature on us. Do you think that's true?

Final standings are here. We are the team at the top with all the wins.

Bunch more videos here. Watch them and try to find our weakness. It is nonexistent.

New season starts up in a few weeks. We've got a title to defend.

Winter Dodgeball - Week Six: The Season Goes By Quick When You're Winning So Much.

2011-03-16T23:37:00.000-07:00

Another regular season has come and gone already? Oh, how these weeks fly by.

Tonight, aside from our weird schedule that left us with a 40 minute break in between games, was a great night to end on. We picked up two more decisive victories, which should work to further ensure that anyone who faces us in next week's playoffs will tremble at the thought of seeing our name in the bracket next to theirs. Of course, they won't, because we're not a fancy enough league for a bracket, but you get the idea: we're the team to be feared right now. And if we can play like that next week, we've got a solid shot at making a play for the title. Needless to say, I'll be reviewing tapes and shooting steroids into my neck for the next seven days. You gotta be prepared.

In our first match tonight, we played a team that I don't remember playing before, and it's possible that they are new to the league. They had little retaliation for our barrage of dead-aim throws and spectacular catches, and didn't seem surprised that they couldn't keep up. I would say that we took it easy on them, but we don't know the definition of mercy and pummel any and all comers equally, regardless of rank, stature, age or gender. You step on the court, there's a good chance you won't leave with both your kneecaps. That's all I'm saying.

No idea what the final score was, but I know we won, sent a message, and sent chills down the spines of all who observed from the sidelines. Pretty sure I saw some of their girls run to the bathroom crying after the final whistle blew, but I can't confirm that definitively.

Our second match was against a squad that doesn't exactly have a storied history of winning, but as I've already made clear: we shred all competition who dare face us. And shred we did. It seemed like the match got cut short time-wise, because I think we only won six or seven games, and considering the way we were playing, we should have hit double-digits. But a win is a win, and though I failed to successfully shatter a ribcage, I felt I contributed the best I could.

In a very uncharacteristic move, the standings have already been updated, and we ended the season tied for first place. Not bad. Not bad at all.

Check that shizz here.

Bunch more videos here.

Playoffs, here we come.

Winter Dodgeball - Week Five: Our Wrath, and Why You Should Fear It.

2011-03-09T23:14:00.000-08:00

We're nothing less than a steamroller at this point. Mowing down the competition. Flattening them, even.

We came into this week tied for first place with that damn team that we lost to a few weeks back, and though being in first place is sweet, sharing it makes it a little less sweet. But not by much. Teams are still scared of us, and that's the important thing. Intimidation is a key block in our pyramid of power, and we flaunt it with abandon.

The first team we played tonight was a group that I'm not sure we had played before, and they're probably hoping that we'll never meet each other again. I can't remember the last time that we won 10 games in a match, but we did it tonight with a hot combo of quickness, agility, cool moves, and sizzling teamwork. There was even some dynamic chemistry in there. Possibly some terrific enthusiasm. I think the final score was 10-2.

Our second match was against a team that planned to present a slightly larger challenge, and while they did for the first four games, we ran away with it after that. Well, that might be a little strong. We ended up winning, but it wasn't a blowout my any means. Seemed like they felt like they had a shot, and when that cockiness starts rearing its ugly head, we go into decapitation mode. Fairly certain I separated a girl's fingernail from her hand, but I can't be sure. Either way, she yelped pretty hard. Final score? Something like 6-3, but maybe more like 5-3.

We've got one more week of the regular season, and then it's playoff time. We're sitting pretty right now, and I'm hoping we can carry this winitude through the next two games. Then it's tournament time. No word on the Vegas odds yet, but I'll keep you updated.

Standings will be here.

More videos here.

Winter Dodgeball - Week Four: I Would Hate Losing to Us, Too.

2011-03-03T22:46:00.000-08:00

Because I am a vindictive and pissy man-child, I derive great pleasure from making other teams hate us for our winnery. There's nothing finer than frustrating a group of grown men and women to the point where they're almost in tears and driving them to instigate playground-level cross-court bickering. I should know, because I've been on the other end of it, and spent some shameful rides home filled with regret after lashing out at dudes who didn't do much more than defeat the shit out of us on the dodgeball court. When I'm on the winning end of that confrontation, that's what I picture the opposition doing. And it makes me happy.

After our loss last week, we were ready for another two-win night this time around. We were without two of our ladies, but were lucky enough to get ahold of a solid sub, which was key. Playing with five instead of six isn't the end of the world, but it's a disadvantage. Luckily, we didn't have to face that. What we did have to face was a team that has been playing in our league as long as we have; a team with which we have a long history of both winning and losing; a team that cops some 'tude from time to time.

So, was looking forward to handing them a fatty L. And fatty it was, though it wasn't clear-cut until the later parts of the match. Think we went to a 3-3 tie, but after that we pulled ahead and ended up winning either 6-3 or 5-4. One of their girls wouldn't shake our hands after the match. Because I had hit her really hard in the pelvis like three times. Or at least that's what I took from it.

Our second match was against a team that I think we've played before, but I'm not sure. Things quickly escalated into whiny drama, though I never quite figured out why. All of a sudden one of the girls on their team was taunting me, and I never really figured out what it was about. Could have been because they were getting slaughtered, but there's no sure way to tell. Though she did seem to be on the verge of a spazzy crying session, so that's something.

Not sure of the final score, but it wasn't close. And that felt damn good. Hoping we can carry that ass-beatery through the final two weeks and roll with it into the playoffs. I'm feeling confident.

Congrats to my teammate Dejene, who got Player of the Week last week!

Standings are here, though they're not updated as of me typing this.

More videos here. You love it.

The Films of Judy Greer, Part Twenty-Two: Elizabethtown (2005)

2011-02-28T00:25:00.000-08:00

Judy Greer: good. Cameron Crowe: good. Alec Baldwin: good. Susan Sarandon: good.

This movie: not good in any way, shape or form.

Brutally bad. Like it didn't get finished but they just pasted what they had together and cut their losses. That kind of bad.

But, in all fairness, they didn't have much of a shot. Orlando Bloom and Kirsten Dunst are both highly unlikeable actors (I can't be the only one who feels this way), and the story in this thing is a stinker any way you shake it. Though I have this weird feeling that it started out under a more interesting guise and got its edges rounded off by the Hollywood Machine. (Actually, this is just what I'm choosing to believe so I can still have respect for Cameron Crowe. It's the same reason I plan on never seeing Vanilla Sky.)

Maybe the two-hour running time had something to do with it. I was more than ready for this movie to be over at the 90-minute mark, and when the last half-hour turned into the corniest segment of the entire flick, it wasn't helping me along. But I see things through, so I stuck with it till the credits. But I did NOT watch the bonus features. Take that, Elizabethtown!

I don't feel the need to go through what this movie is about. Just know that Alec Baldwin's barely in it, Susan Sarandon is annoyingly frantic during her short screen time, and Kirsten Dunst has a southern accent for like 15% of the movie. Sometimes 15% of a scene. It's bush league.

But that's not why you called.

Judy Greer plays Bloom's sister, who gets stuck with their mother (Sarandon) while she's dealing with their dad's death. She's not in the movie a whole lot, but I didn't expect her to be. She also, like everyone else in this movie, seems to spend most of her screen time on the phone. Just a series of phone calls, this thing.

Though this movie might hold the record for most songs squeezed into a film. At least 50. So that's something.

22 down! And I press on.

Winter Dodgeball - Week Three: There's That First Loss.

2011-02-23T23:55:00.000-08:00

I knew it was coming. But we didn't give it up without a serious fight. So I'm not crying. It's more like soft whimpering.

We still played great out there tonight, and if a few things had gone a few different ways, we might remain undefeated. But, those things did not go those ways, so we're back to residing in the ever-familiar Splitsville. It's near Mediocrity City in the heart of Disappointment Valley.

Our first match was against a team that, while always seeming to contain a rotating cast of characters, has been in the league for a while. They are nice folks, and we always have a fine time playing them. Tonight they brought a male cheerleader with them, who you will no doubt hear in the accompanying videos. Cheerleaders are nothing new at dodgeball, but he may be breaking the gender barrier. And by that, I mean he's the first dude I've seen doing somewhat organized cheers while frantically pumping pom-poms in the air. He was a treat, though his pep didn't do much for the opposition. I think we ended up winning 8-2.

Our second match was against old pals of ours that we play every season, always with wildly varying results. I think we both knew that it was going to be a hotly contested match-up this time around, and tension - while loosey-goosey on the surface - was apparent between both squads. Things ended up being about as close as you can get: A 3-3 tie lead to a final game to determine the winner, and though we gave it a solid try, we couldn't pull it out (that's what she said). Aside from one of our players rolling her ankle (bounce back, lady!) we have nothing to feel bad about, but that first loss is always a stinger.

We shall rebound. Don't you worry about us.

Three weeks in, and though I think we'll now be tied for first place, we'll still be at the top. I just have a feeling we're going to be sharing that slot with a few teams (that's also what she said...?). We'll see what happens.

Standings will tell the tale here when they're updated.

More videos here. Watch them.

The Films of Judy Greer, Part Twenty-One: In Memory of My Father (2005)

2011-02-21T21:48:00.000-08:00

You know those loosey-goosey indie films where everyone's name in it (first name, at least) is their actual real-life name? I can't think of another good example, but this is one of those.

Decent-quality video cameras, a loose script, and a bunch of solid actors improvising their asses off. Somehow I didn't absolutely hate this movie. I certainly disliked parts of it, but overall, it was just too ramshackle not to go along with. It features, along with Greer, Jeremy Sisto and a few other dudes you might recognize, and they don't phone it in. That effectively carried the picture.

The flick's about a trio of brothers who lose their movie-producer father expectedly to an illness, and are following through on his final wish to have his death turned into a documentary. They're all wacky, none of them seem to care too much about their dad dying, and as soon as he stops breathing, they have a party in the house, in celebration of their dad's life, while he's still lying dead in his bed upstairs. And it's not like they're having trouble getting anyone to come pick up his body - they just act like that's something you do. Told you they were wacky! Needless to say, I thought that part was just way too over-the-top indie-film bullshit, and it sort of fucked the rest of the movie for me.

But, I didn't have any trouble seeing it through. Sisto and his cousin's boyfriend do ecstasy, and that made for some entertaining scenes. And there's actually quite a few sub-plots (seriously) strewn throughout the movie, and they're somehow weaved together nicely enough.

Greer plays the dudes' dad's girlfriend, who seems to be just hooked up with him to use his credit card. She comes back from shopping to find him dead, mourns for a few hours, and then promptly bangs one of the brothers. Super wacky! Her character initially seems bitchy, then seems sensible, and then sort of fades into who-knows-what. It doesn't really matter at that point.

Still not sure what to think of this one. Not a bad movie, for sure, but possibly a little too precious for its own good. But I wanted to see how it ended, so that's something.

Winter Dodgeball - Week Two: We Are Good.

2011-02-16T23:24:00.000-08:00

In a move that threatens to shatter the fragile infrastructure of the internet, I'm blogging on the same night as our matches. It's a big move for me, but I'm hoping it will help me to not only capture more of the details of the evening, but also work to alleviate the pressure that hangs over my head when I let these entries ride. Plus, I'm apparently much more eager to write about our evenings on the court when we're winning. Which we are. And it is sweet.

We've had hot starts in the past (I think), but it's been a while since we've come out of the gate like this. Our new players are having no trouble adjusting (not that we thought they would), and we're really just pummeling the shit out of anyone that dare cross us. It's the heart of the game, people. I mean, I really drilled some chicks hard in the uteruses tonight. And yes: it made me feel like a big man.

Our first match was against the second-place team from last season, a group with which we have a bit of a checkered past (long story), and a team that schooled us last time around. This time, there would not be so much winnery coming from their side of the court. We came out strong early, took a 3-0 lead, let that slide back to 3-2, and then took the next two games (or at least that's how I remember it). They were pissed that we beat them, and that made the whole thing even more satisfying.

Our next match was against a team that I didn't recognize, and judging by their loose interpretation of the rules, they must be a new group. One thing's for certain: they couldn't get enough of us pegging them in the leg and abdomen regions. I mean, they really must have enjoyed it. Because I was basically blowing the kneecaps off of their girls, and they just kept coming back for more. Soon enough, they will learn: when you see our name on the schedule, just stay home.

They had a couple dudes who looked like they were going to cry after they weren't allowed to cheat, and I felt bad for the way they were made to look like fools. By us. But when you're handed an 8-1 loss, it's hard to look like anything but a complete failure. I've been there, bros.

We're undefeated through four games, and though the standings haven't been adjusted as of press time, they will be here when they are.

More videos are here.

Our new team photo is here. Revel in its winnitude.

The Films of Judy Greer, Part Twenty: The Great New Wonderful (2005)

2011-02-15T22:24:00.000-08:00

I started watching this and two minutes into it, my wife reminded me that I had totally seen this before. It would have taken me at least ten more minutes to realize that. I am dense.

So, yes, I saw this movie a few years back, but went ahead and watched it again because after I realized what it was, I remembered that I really liked it. My wife thinks it's "heavy-handed," and it certainly is, but I also think it's well-written, moves along nicely, and benefits greatly from its 90-minute running time. Any longer and it would have been too much.

This is a movie about a bunch of different people and their post-9/11 lives, though any concrete connection to the actual event is only really represented by Jim Gaffigan's character. And that's fine, because the underlying (and more abstract) effects that bubble up in these characters are the ones that are the most compelling.

Greer plays a wife to a stagnated businessman and a mother to an overweight son who displays tendencies that are certainly violent, and possibly racist. Her character goes from optimism to defeat over the course of the movie, and though she's clearly depressed, it's interesting to watch her try to fight through the fog of it all. The choices she makes at the end of the movie are a bit of a surprise, but I feel like it works with the overall vibe of the movie. I don't know. I guess it depends on whether you find this movie pretentious or not. Like I said: I don't. But I wouldn't argue with you if you did.

But even after a second viewing, I still liked this flick a lot. I mean, come on: it's got Gaffigan, Stephen Colbert (the scene where he tells the kid's parents that their son's heart is filled with "shit and splinters" is gold), and Greer walking around in her undies. All good stuff.

This one's also on Netflix Instant right now. Watch the trailer here.

The Films of Judy Greer, Part Nineteen: The Amateurs (2005)

2011-02-15T22:00:00.000-08:00

This one worked out well for me, because I've been on a big Jeff Bridges kick lately. Plus, it's available to watch on Netflix Instant. Boom.

I didn't expect much from this flick, but that's mostly because I figured, even though Bridges is featured prominently on the poster, he probably wouldn't actually be in the movie that much. Turns out he full-on starred in this thing, and though it was by no means a powerhouse performance, he's interesting to watch no matter what. Pair that with a random-ass cast (Ted Danson, anyone?), and you've got yourself a movie absolutely worth watching.

Bridges plays a small-town, down-on-his luck husband/father who can't catch a break. After his wife takes off with their son and hooks up with a rich guy, he decides he really needs to get his shit together so he can provide for his kid in the same way his new dad-type-guy (played by a perfectly-cast Steven Weber) does. His homebase is the local pub, where he's surrounded by a throng of weirdos and do-nothings. While in a deep depression, it hits him: he'll make an amateur porn.

He hooks up with the camera-carrying kid who who works at the local video store (Patrick Fugit) and convinces him to film it, gets his pal Some Idiot (Joe Pantoliano) to direct and write, and recruits other pals to help with the rest of the production. Danson plays an in-denial gay man, and he's awesome at it; Tim Blake Nelson plays the straight man for the first time in his life; and that guy who's in everything, William Fichtner, plays a church janitor who just wants to see it all go down.

They set out to round up ladies to star in the production, and Greer plays a girl who works in the local mattress store and is more than willing to give it a go, but only if her hot boss can be in it with her. This eventually results in some slightly naughty mattress-jumping, filmed in the store the girls work in. Good times.

So, she's only in a few scenes. But that's cool, because like I said, this was actually a solid flick. Hook it up on Netflix if you've got that option. Here's the trailer.

Winter Dodgeball - Week One: Breaking Tradition.

2011-02-14T00:30:00.000-08:00

Wait, what?

No losses in our first week? If this means we're not going to repeat our shaky Late Fall season, then I'm going to choose to accept it as a cosmic omen that points clearly at one thing: total domination. That's a healthy attitude, right?

We're back, with a slightly altered lineup, so I was curious to see how we'd look out there. Turns out, we looked pretty good. We came out hard in our first match, which is not our standard move. While having a week off usually means we need some time to warm up, this time around it seemed that it had somehow added to our intensity. We won the first game in about 30 seconds, and never looked back. The team we played seems to be new, so maybe we caught them off guard. Whatever it was, we ended up winning 7-0, without a close game in the bunch. A great start. Boom.

Our second match was to be Payback Time, where we were up against the team that knocked us out of the playoffs (first round style) last season. They enjoyed beating us in that one, and I really didn't want to give it up to them again. We were feeling good after our shutout in the first match, and I think we were all ready to carry it into the second one. It ended up being a well-fought battle, but we found ourselves up 4-2 with time dwindling, and though they got one more, time expired and we pulled it off. Still: any heady dreams we had of utter annihilation after our first match were squashed there. We've got our work cut out for us.

But I'm looking forward to it. It's nice to have won both matches in our first week, and the beginning of a new season is always nice. It's a clean slate before the eventual anger and frustration washes over everything and leaves me bitter and defeated.

Standings are here. We are in first place, along with five other teams.

Some more videos here.

Watch them and learn how to be a winner.

Late Fall Dodgeball - Week Seven: Playoffs.

2011-02-05T02:42:00.000-08:00

We did it!

In an unbelievable turn of events, we lost our first game in the first round of the playoffs, and ended our season as early as possible! Yesssssss!

What a weird Late Fall league. Not for any reason other than it was possibly our worst season on record, but that was weird enough for me. We just never really got into a rhythm as a team, and that was due to a bunch of different factors, none of which are worth dwelling on now that the season is over. And that's not why you called.

Our first match was against a team that didn't enjoy losing to us during the regular season, so they were all juiced up to beat us in the playoffs. They had clearly called in some ringers for the event (Week 7 and two of their dudes didn't have proper uniforms...?) and we were short a player. So, not only was it five-on-six for the duration, we were also up against at least two guys who weren't on their team when we played them the first time. It still came down to a 4-4 tiebreaker game, and they took that. They were way too excited about the whole thing, and I was almost glad they won. They clearly needed it.

Our consolation game was against a team that we odds-on favorites to beat, and even though it didn't matter (it was our last game of the season no matter what), I was happy to end the season on a win. Think we ended up taking it 7-2.

So, this troubling season comes to an end. We're hoping for big things next season, as we're welcoming some new players into the fold (though we're temporarily losing one of our veteran players), and I'm hoping the whole affair will yield a different outcome. We shall see. But I'm revved up and ready, regardless. In fact, it looks like we're playing the team that beat us in the playoffs in our first week. Revenge shall be swizzity.

Final standings here.

Bunch more videos here.

New season starts this week. Let's do this.

Late Fall Dodgeball - Week Six: Good Week to End On.

2011-01-25T23:59:00.000-08:00

Yes, it wasn't our strongest season. But, we had a fun final (pre-playoff) week, and that seems to have made things a little more tolerable. We didn't win both of our games, but we played well in both of them, and really, that's all I'm looking for. We've still got some kinks to work out, but we might be headed in the right direction.

Our first match was against old friends of ours, and though we were short ladies as the match started up, we were able to snag a couple girls from another team, and they helped us out. So that was nice. They aided us in putting up a good fight, and though we didn't win, we didn't get crushed, and that somehow felt like close to the same thing. We were making catches, keeping our composure, and working together. A crazy concept.

Our second match was against a team that we shouldn't have had any trouble beating, and though this season had its share of unfortunate twists and turns, this would not be occasion for one of them. We came out strong, ended strong, and never let them get close. We needed that to close out the regular season. It may be a minor boost of confidence, but we'll take anything. We're just that desperate.

Playoffs are coming up this week, and though we don't have much of a shot of making any sort of real push for the crown, I'm just looking forward to getting out there and playing a couple. This hasn't been our best season, but I'm still having fun. Losing record be damned! And who knows what the playoffs will bring. Things rarely go the way we think they're going to.

Final pre-playoff standings are here. We are not near the top.

More videos here. Watch and re-watch.

Playoffs, here we come. This is the first time I can remember that we actually have to play in the first round because our record is so shitty. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

Late Fall Dodgeball - Week Five: We Are Not Very Good.

2011-01-18T23:33:00.000-08:00

Well, the "rebuilding season" that I have alluded to so many times in the past seems to have come to fruition. We dropped another couple matches this week, and while we came into Wednesday at an even .500, we walked out with an overall record that's slumping ever deeper towards the losing side. It's frustrating, but I think we're still managing to have an OK time. At this point, losing is becoming a grim reality. It's really alleviating some of the pressure.

Our first match was against a team that really enjoys beating us (there's some history there), and they had a grand time handing us a loss this week. They really don't like us, and we really don't like them, so it always feels like a grudge match. They're spry, aggressive, and maybe not the most honest team in the league. Still, they beat us so badly that it wouldn't have mattered. We ended up losing 7-2, and the large doses of reality keep raining down on us.

Our second match was against a squad that's new to the league, and though they don't look like they should be great, they can turn it on. A couple of their players have dead aim, and they really had a field day nailing us repeatedly. Yowsa. Not quite a bloodbath, but we were made to look pretty unsharp out there.

I had a shabby week, getting drilled early in a lot of the games and having trouble catching much of anything. Sometimes that's the way it goes, and it makes me want to spike a ball into someone's throat. But that's a little rough when you're on the sidelines. We've got one more week of the regular season, and we could still break even in the ol' W-L column. It'll take some tough play, but I'm not completely ruling it out.

Check the standings here. We are near the middle-bottom.

More videos here. Enjoy our shellacking.

Late Fall Dodgeball - Week Four: So Much Winnery.

2011-01-12T00:09:00.000-08:00

Of our four matches before the Christmas break, we lost three, and the one that we won was by forfeit. Between those two sucky weeks, and the two-week break, we hadn't won a match - like one where we actually played - in a month. Yes, half of that time we weren't even on the court, but still: it was rough. We needed to come back after the break and get our redemption on, or I was going to pull the team aside and suggest that we all move out of the city, tails between our legs, in an act of shameful solidarity. It was getting that bad.

Usually a break does us no good. We have a history of coming back from time off looking and feeling depressingly rusty. Not sure what was different this time around, but we - and this is amazing - played like a team out there. For the first time this season, things seemed like they were going our way. Maybe it was because we were playing a few of the less strong teams in the league, but I choose not to dwell on that. Big wins are big wins, and we won big.

Our first match was against a team that has yet to claim a win this season. In fact, they haven't even really come close. So, maybe this was the best squad for us to be facing upon our return. We made some solid plays, kept shit under control, and ended up taking the match by a final tally of 7-1. Decisive. That's how I like it.

Our momentum carried into our second match, where we were up against a team that looked like they might challenge us a bit more than our first opponents. In the end, they didn't, but they might have, had we not played so solidly. I get great elation from winning, but I get much more satisfaction from frustrating the shit out of dudes across the court from me. I made a point of drilling the same two guys over and over, and one of them looked like he was going to cry. The other one slammed a ball down on the court and the ref told him to calm down. It was awesome. They eventually got me out during the last game of the match, but it was too late. We took that one 7-1 as well. 14-2 on the night. Not bad.

Standings are here. We are at .500! Never thought I'd be excited about that. We've got two tough matches this week, and we need to stay focused. Hope we can.

More videos here. Watch that shizz.

The Films of Judy Greer, Part Eighteen: Cursed (2005)

2011-01-01T01:47:00.001-08:00

Greer. Baio. Together at last.

I gotta say, first off: This movie was nowhere near as shitty as I thought it would be. A Google search will tell you that this flick was (and still is) largely panned by audiences and critics alike, so I went into it thinking it was going to be a wall-to-wall assfest. But, come on: how often do you get to see such a random group of actors starring in a werewolf movie loosely based around the cast and crew of The Craig Kilborn Show? It's just too good. Not that this movie was good, because it wasn't. But it was at times both bizarre and hilarious, and that's about all you can hope for from Wes Craven.

Ricci plays the person who books guests on Kilborn's show, and through a car crash-type-situation with a not-quite-washed-up Shannon Elizabeth, she and her brother get infected with the werewolf virus, or whatever you call it. She eventually finds out that her boyfriend is also a werewolf, but he's like the head werewolf, so he's able to control himself. He's also banged a bunch of chicks before her, so there's a chance there are other werewolves out there. And, a bunch of other stuff happens.
Greer plays Scott Baio's bitchy publicist, and though it seems like an inconsequential role at first, she ends up being - spoiler alert! - a werewolf. Yes, you get to see her chow on guts and transform into a wolfed-out she-beast. It is pretty sweet. She does not eat Baio, but you can imagine how sweet it would be if she did.

I didn't know about the Baio thing or the werewolf thing before I saw this, so maybe that added to my enjoyment, too. And don't get me wrong: I'm not saying you should watch this. But you could do worse.

Here's the trailer, where you can watch Ricci earn that paycheck that she must have needed real bad.

Greer on!

The Films of Judy Greer, Part Seventeen: Lollilove (2005)

2011-01-01T01:44:00.001-08:00

Has it really been five months since I Greered out on this blog? Not sure what happened there. But, to make up for it, this will be the first of two new entries into this ongoing project. I'm not giving up yet, you naysayers. I must Greer on.

I really have no excuse, because it's not like I was putting off watching this movie. In fact, I was looking forward to it. Greer: good. James Gunn: good. Jenna Fischer: good. The fact that it's a Troma release: random, but, of course, good. Also good: it was available to watch on Netflix instant. Don't think it's there anymore, but you can watch the full movie on Hulu. And I'd recommend it. It's short (a little over an hour), funny, and incredibly low-budget, which somehow adds to its hilarity.

This flick was made back when Gunn and Fischer were still married, and they play themselves in a faux-documentary format where they're quixotic wannabe-celebs with too much time on their hands, too much money (or so they claim), and a plan to start a charity to give something back. The problem: they have no idea how to run a charity, a ton of terrible ideas, and they're both goofballs. She's wide-eyed and optimistically nuts, and he's got a crippling aversion to germs. If they both weren't so good at improv, this movie could have derailed quick, but as it stands, it works really well. Gunn's a funny dude, and if he was the one who edited this thing, he's strong in that department, too. Not a lot of filler, which is always nice.
Greer plays an aspiring actress who, after the couple decides on their charity idea (it involves handing out hand-wrapped lollipops to homeless people), helps out with the whole thing. She's mostly interested in hamming it up for the documentary crew and the local news team that follows the group as they do their work, and, in the end, she's really not in the movie that much.

But, that's cool, because like I said, this was a pleasure to watch. Hulu that shit if you've got an hour to kill. Like most films that bear the Troma stamp of approval, it's in a weird class of its own.

Late Fall Dodgeball - Week Three: Open the Cellar Doors.

2010-12-21T00:58:00.000-08:00

We're coming down.

Though we ended up going 1-1 this week, our lone victory over this two-week stretch came in the lamest of all possible ways: by means of a forfeit. I don't want to start in on my rant about not showing up for something you signed up (and paid!) for and how it screws not only your own team but also the team you're supposed to play, so I won't. But nothing pisses me off more than teams that no-show. Thanks for making sure that not only do you get a night off, but I do too. Killer.

Anyway, yes, the first team we were supposed to face was short everyone except two dudes, so we played a half-assed scrimmage which did nothing but anger me and kind of warm me up. The second team we faced was a team that consistently beats us and no one else in the league, and once again, they managed to slip past us. I really do not get it. They lose to teams that we beat, but there's something about us-vs.-them that works in their favor. They also have like 12 people on their team, are super-loud, and a couple of their dudes really enjoy getting hit and not going out. I want to line them up and heart punch all of them. Someday.

So, here we sit, with two weeks off for the holidays, at 2-4. Tied for fifth place with five other teams. Call Kevorkian. Tell him to warm up the van.

Standings are here. We're the team not near the top.

More vids here. Relive our crushed dreams.

You can't see it, but I'm typing this from under my desk, fetal-position steez. Please: let me be.

Late Fall Dodgeball - Week Two: OK, We Can Worry Now.

2010-12-21T00:33:00.000-08:00

Yikes.

My apologies for taking so long to blog our second week, but I was so shattered by our sad performance that I've been hiding under a pile of coats for about half a month. It was that bad.

No, it wasn't, but reality kicked us in the groin area, and that hurts. A loss in our first week? Not a big deal. Two losses in our second week? That's cause for concern. We've been due for a rebuilding season for a while now, and this just might be it. And I'm fine with that; I just need to adjust my expectations, and I think that's what I'm struggling with.

Our first match was, though ultimately frustrating, a really good one, and we came within one game of taking it. And considering that the team we faced is now one of the only undefeated squads in the league, it's nothing to be ashamed of. But it still hurt. It was our second 4-5 loss of the season, and it sucks when one game makes the difference between an L and a W.

Our second match was a full-on blowout, and one of the worst beatings we've taken in a while. The team we played has the dumbest name ever (but I'm not one to get specific) but they are good. And they just flat-out stomped on our necks. Kudos to you, Team That Made Me Want to Choke You!

3-1? Not a spot we're used to being in. Bleh.

More videos here.

Late Fall Dodgeball - Week One: Nothing to Worry About.

2010-12-08T00:22:00.000-08:00

It's not even really an issue anymore.

We come out, lose our first game, win our second, and end the evening knowing that this is what happens at the beginning of every season and we shouldn't bat an eye. And we don't. And we didn't. This is what we do.

Our first match was against a team that we've played many times before, and though I used to not care for them too much, they seem to have calmed down quite a bit over the last few seasons. My theory is that they don't get drunk before they show up anymore, though I have nothing to base this on. Whatever the reason, they've become a more amicable squad, and our matches against them have become better as a result.

This time out, we went back and forth for eight games, leaving us at a 4-4 deadlock with a final game to decide it. Pull it out we thought we might, but pull it out we didn't. And, like I said, it didn't really seem to concern us. I mean, a loss is a bummer, but a loss in our first game out is just what happens. So, we looked at it as our warm-up game, and considered ourselves loose for the second match of the evening.

We didn't have a break in between matches, so we got right back out there and again played a team that we've played many times before. They're good folks, too, but any underlying frustrations that we may have been harboring needed to come out during this match, and we let 'em loose. As per usual, we found our rhythm early and finally started playing like a team. If an initial loss is what it takes to get us there, then so be it. It's been proven to work before, and it worked for us again.

We ended up winning 7-2, and it was nice to lay the stomp down. I also stuck around and played a match with a friend's team that was short, so I got to check out some of the other teams playing this season. As usual, it's a mix of familiar faces and cocky newcomers. It's going to be a good season. I can feel it.

Standings are here, though there's not much to be seen yet. We are, once again, Live Free or Die Awesome.

More videos here, too. Get your watch on.

We were short one of our main dudes last week, but he's returning this time around. And we're supposed to have a new girl showing up, too. Now we can really get started.

Fall Dodgeball - Week Seven: Playoffs.

2010-11-24T01:41:00.000-08:00

Ugh. Just a huge, whopping ugh.

Not only did we get barely beat by the team that we despised most in the league, we didn't even get to play our second match because of some confusion. It was all very stupid, and we left the facility feeling mad downtrodden, yo.

Apparently I've been putting off posting about it because I was miffed, but I'm over it now. After like two weeks. Yes, this is my life. But now we look forward to next season, which should be interesting because the team that's been dominating the league isn't playing. Speaking of them, though they dominated the regular season, they didn't take the championship. The title ended up going to our friends in Debbie Does Dodgeball, and if anyone was going to win instead of us, I'm glad it was them. So that ain't bad.

Final standings are here. Looks like we came in fourth, and that's nothing to cry about. Though I may have softly wept in the car on the way home.

One more soul-crushing video here.

Fall Dodgeball - Week Six: Straight Sets.

2010-11-09T23:46:00.000-08:00

6-5, 6-3. Tennis style. Though I have a limited understanding of how tennis scoring works, so maybe that's way off. Whatever. Sounds tennis-y to me.

We picked up the pieces this week, as we have been known to do. After two straight weeks of going 1-1, it was imperative that we end the regular season on a high note. And if not a high note, at least a decent note. The game we dropped in the week previous was mildly soul-crushing, and though we won our second game of that night, the bitter taste still lingered. Hovering around third or fourth place isn't anything to feel bad about, but I'm used to a certain level of secondplaceness in my life. The goal this week was to restore that upper-echelon feeling of superiority.

We came out a bit sluggish in our first match, but once we got our bearings, we were good. The team we were playing were a odd bunch, and it was tough to get a read on them initially. Once we figured out who we needed to keep an eye on and who we needed to target right out of the gates, we put an unspoken plan of action into motion and took control. Once we were up by two, things seemed good to go. They battled back to come within one, but by that time it was too late. Not a big win, but a win. As usual, we will take it.

Our second match was against a team that we played last week (this sort of scheduling doesn't shock me at all anymore) - in fact, it was against the team who we had beat last week - so it felt like a Round Two sort of situation. And, the outcome was about the same. They're not our favorite team, but they do give us a good run every time, so I'm starting to look forward to playing them. Especially since we've been beating them consistently.

Last time we took it 7-3, this time it ended up being 6-3. We only had three dudes this week, so by the end of this one, me and the other two guys were dead tired. But it was worth it. And we're going to have to do it again this week, so hopefully it prepped our old-man bodies for the task. Who am I kidding? It's going to be sweat city.

Standings are here. We are, as it stands right now, in a three-way tie for second.

Bunch more videos here. Watch the shit out of 'em.

Playoffs this week! Let's do the damn thang.

Fall Dodgeball - Week Five: The Fall-Apart.

2010-11-03T00:38:00.001-07:00

Get it? Because it's fall?

Ugh. I don't know what the hell happened to us in our first match this last week, but it was a slap in the face to all that I hold dear. That might be a little harsh. But it was assy, to say the least. I'm sure it's happened before, but I can't remember the last time we were up 4-0, and then somehow found a way to lose 5-4. Talk about the momentum swaying, the tide shifting, the dispy-doodle being in full effect - all that stuff. We blew it. And it was against a squad that we should have bested. Their advantage over us - and this may have been one of the overriding factors: they're deep. Like 12 team members deep. We roll with seven, maybe eight. So they were rested.

But that's just a weak excuse. We should have taken 'em. We just came out strong, felt there was no way to blow it, and then we blew the shit out of it. Like a bunch of rookies. It was humiliating, is what it was.

Actually, it wasn't that bad. This has been a really fun season, and a match like that is the reason why. If it were up to me, they'd all be like that. Even if we lose. At least it was exciting.

Our second match was less exciting, but the ending was much more satisfying. We were playing one of our least-favorite teams, and though the tensions between us have been higher, there was definitely a little back-and-forth happening this time around. But, it was at an acceptable, maybe-it-motivates-us-a-little level, so I don't see anything wrong with that. And it helped us along. We've been known to lose to this team, and whether they irked us or we were still pissy from the first circus show we put on, I don't know. But from wherever our ire came, it propelled us to a solid win, which was a fine way to close out an evening that hadn't started so promising.

And that wasn't even the end for me: I ended up sticking around and playing a few more matches with a friend's team, which, in retrospect, helped them to two wins that put them ahead of us in the standings. But I regret nothing. I needed the exercise, and it made for one of the most fun nights I've had out there in a while. I keep talking about fun, don't I? I'm OK with that.

Standings are here. We are in 4th place somehow.

More videos here, with possibly more coming. My wife shot some serious footage this week.

And we press ahead, with vigor in our eyes. Or something.

Fall Dodgeball - Week Four: We Have Fun Out There.

2010-10-26T23:29:00.000-07:00

And that's the important thing. So when we split our matches for the week, I shouldn't be frustrated. And for once, I'm actually not. We had a really fun week, played some really fun games, and though we couldn't win 'em both, we gave it a good go. Seriously.

Our first match was against a team that we hadn't played before, one of the indy teams that's comprised of individuals who sign up on their own. These squads are always deep in numbers, and this one was no different. But, they were all also a bit wet behind the ears, so we were able to jump ahead quick and then enjoy ourselves for the rest of the match. They had some good players, and when they were on, they gave us a good run. They ended up winning two of the ten games, and they knocked us around pretty well in those two. It wasn't enough to worry us too much, but it was a nice reminder that we can't take anyone lightly. And we don't. I'm an equal-opportunity pegger-in-the-chester. That's just the type of guy I am.

Our next match was against our old sister team, though few of the folks who used to play with us remain on that squad. Few of the folks remain on our squad. So really, we have very little in common with them anymore. But we know each other, and we look forward to playing them. We've always been evenly matched, but this time around it was neck-and-neck all the way. At one point I think we maybe had a two-game lead, but that evaporated quickly, and for the remainder of the match it was back-and-forth. So, of course it came down to a tiebreaker game, and of course it came down to two final players on the floor. In the end, we weren't able to convert, but like I said: it didn't matter. I wish we could play a game that competitive every time out. I have a feeling we'll see them in the playoffs. I hope we do. I've got some score-settlin' on the brain.

With that loss for us and that win for them, it put us in a two-way tie for second place. And there we sit, with two big matches coming up this week. This season is a good one.

Some more videos are here. Relive the magic.

Fall Dodgeball - Week Three: Stridetown.

2010-10-20T01:23:00.000-07:00

And we're hitting it hard. Our stride. And the imaginary town that it's in.

I was amped up and ready to get nuts this week, so I was a little disappointed when we showed up and found our opponents only fielding (courting?) four players. We did what seemed like the admirable thing and reduced our squad from six to five (we're nice, but we also value playing time) and set to crushing. We may have taken things a bit too lightly at first, because a few of the games were fairly close, and as soon as their one star dude starting rolling with the hot hand, we realized it was time to stop dicking around.

We got down to it, and somehow ended up winning 10-3, which has got to be some sort of record for number of games played in 20 minutes. I guess it's not unheard of, but it seems like we usually get in 8 or 9 games, not 13. Anyway. We walked with the win, and though it didn't leave us with the sort of confidence that a hard-fought-but-decisive victory does, it certainly didn't hurt us any. It felt good to blow someone out, just like it always does. And that, my friends, is what she said.

Our next match was against a bunch of weasels that I won't get too complainy about because we knocked 'em out the box big time, but man: if you get hit, just go out. Ain't no shame in it. We all heard the ball graze your fingers when you thought about catching it and then pulled your hand out of the way too late - it happens to the best of us. Now be an honest adult and hit the sidelines. You incredible cheater.

This is a team that we've faced in one form or another a few different times, and though they're never very good, they're not terrible. So, the cheating thing threatens to push them towards decent, and that just won't stand. Luckily we jumped out to a big lead early - like we like to do - and were able to hold off any shady-move-assisted surges they made as the match progressed. These damn dudes and their lack of respect for the game. We get it: you suck. Staying in after you get hit is not making that any less true.

We beat 'em 7-3.

That leaves us all alone in second place, which is where we've been known to hang out for good portions of the season. So, we're feeling comfortable. We've got a fun week ahead of us, with a match against friends/rivals, who are also one of the third-place teams right now. Bring it.

Few more videos here. Finally some moving pictures!

Fall Dodgeball - Week Two: Ascension.

2010-10-13T10:30:00.000-07:00

Sorry I've been out of sync with the bloggery as of late. The lack of videos is somehow taking away some of my urgency with this damn thing. So I apologize for that. And I apologize for the lack of videos. Should have some next week. Until then, you get this approximation of what I look like pre-game, strutting around the parking lot. Intimidation is key.

So, by now, you know how this goes: We lose one game our first week out, feel pissed about it for the week after that, and then exact revenge on our opponents in the second week. It's just what we do. And it's worked well for us. Winning is always good, and when you're feeling like you might have a rough season ahead of you, going out and severely dominating a couple of teams can quickly cure what ails you. Week One was especially shaky for us this time around, so we really needed some lopsided victories to bring things back into balance.

Our first match was against a team that's been in the league off and on for a while, though I don't recall seeing them any time in the last year. Maybe their rustiness allowed us to command the match, or maybe we were just determined to prove our worth. Either way, we came barreling out and remained relentless for nine straight games, earning a much-needed shutout that quickly made us forget the awkwardness of the week previous. It was quite nice.

Our second match was to be more of a challenge, but the team we faced was short players thanks to some heated arguments with the refs in their first match. I didn't really see what happened, but when they told one of the dudes to take a seat for the remainder of the night, I knew it must have been swear-filled. With a few of their key players benched or MIA, we took full advantage, having a surprisingly drama-free match while we went on to win 8-1. I figured their team would be pissy after their emotional first go, but they couldn't have been nicer. And that was good.

Now we plow forward. Stay out of our way.

Standings are here. We are in second place - our home away from home.

Fall Dodgeball - Week One: The Return of the Rhino.

2010-10-06T01:23:00.000-07:00

Yes, this is officially the worst dodgeball-related photo I've ever posted. It was taken in between our two matches, it is not of our team, and my fat thumb is in it. But it is all I've got, you jokers.

As you know, we start off every new season by losing our first match, angrily rallying to win our second, and leaving the gym feeling both slightly satisfied and strangely unfulfilled. This time around would be no different. Which is fine, because in the past it has led us to some surprisingly positive outcomes. So I don't worry too much about it. But it still would be nice to go into Week Two tied for first place. Instead, we're always left feeling like we're in a hole from the get-go.

Because the people who write the schedule for our league enjoy metaphorically pouring salt in open wounds, our first outing was against the team that had just handily defeated us for the championship last week. In a predictable match that knocked the socks off of literally no one, they crushed us again, in almost an exact replay of the beatdown they handed us in the title game just seven days previous. We get it: you're better than us. Jesus. Take off the kneepads and tone it down a little. Man.

Our second match, after a much-needed twenty-minute breather, was against a team that we had never played before (I think), and they were either half-drunk, huge dicks, or a little bit of both. Whatever the case, they were the brand of spazzes that I have railed against many times before in this blog: the kind that have little control over their own motor skills, and remain stridently unapologetic about it. They have plenty of excuses, but no clear culpability. Fuck that.

It was a tense go-round. Words were exchanged (I took one in the mouth and had some choice words for the guy who kept throwing at everyone's head - not my proudest moment), the opposition's idiocy was confirmed, and thankfully it fueled our fire. We ended up winning by a score of 6-1, and after the match I made nice with the guy I had snapped at, and I felt better about it. I really need to keep my yap shut. Going to work on that.

Here's our new team photo:
Yeah, we're pretty.

Standings are here. We're in the middle. Bleh.

Late Summer Dodgeball - Week Five: Playoffs.

2010-09-30T00:17:00.000-07:00

A fittingly weird end to a weird season.

After what was supposed to be the fifth week got canceled on account of relentless rain, the executive decision was made to forget about making that week up, and instead - because of unavoidable scheduling conflicts involving the next season needing to start - move indoors and straight into the playoffs. I was relieved. Watching the weather reports was getting tedious, and after the extreme lameness of Week 4, I was more than ready to take things into the gym.

So, we were back on our old turf, but instead of playing with the usual rhino skin balls that we usually use indoors, they let us keep playing with the rubber ones that we had been using all summer. Good call. Would all this make any difference in what has now become the standard last act in every season? Of course not.

Our regular-season record was solid enough to move us directly into the second round of the playoffs, so we were up against a team that had already played one game. This can either mean that they are warmed up or tired, and lucky for us, this time around it seemed they were working more in the latter realm than the former. They're a team we love to beat, and though every game seemed like a nail-biter, we eventually took the lead and held onto it. Because I'm writing this a week after the fact, I'm blanking on any notable details, but the videos will tell the story. Watch them and marvel at our superior play. Some great comebacks.

And just that quickly, we were in the title game. And just that quickly, we got shellacked.

Of course, it was at the hands of the same team that always beats us in the championship game. Even the ref commented on it, saying something like, "You two again?" to me as we were getting set up. Hey, we're a team of routine. And like clockwork, we barely put up a fight. It's amazing how well we can play against every team in the league except these guys. But, as I've said before, they're good people, so it doesn't burn me up too bad. But it's still never fun. Meh.

So, that was that. Another second-place finish. But, we can look forward to being exclusively indoors this next season, and getting back to the fast-paced world of rhino skin balls. It's a whole different ball game.

Check out all the hot vids here. Keen eyes will note that the videos are now in HD, thanks to my sweet new iPhone. They take longer to upload, but they look all clear and widescreen-y. I dig.

Final standings are here. Three losses. All to the same team. Bastards.

Our new season started tonight, and I shall write that up soon. Promise.

Late Summer Dodgeball - Week Four: Dirty and Dusky.

2010-09-15T01:13:00.000-07:00

There have been many a strange night over the course of our many dodgeball seasons, but this was arguably the strangest. Sadly, I have no video or pictures to commemorate the oddity of it all, so this video will have to approximate the scene. It does a decent job.

Here's how it went down: After matches were canceled on the 1st due to inclement weather (though most of us feel we could have played), the pressure was on to not have another dodgeball-less week. The skies had been foreboding all day, but no word was given that we weren't going to play. So, we showed up at the courts as scheduled. They were fairly dry, but there was a strong smell of wet paint in the air. We soon found out that the wall that runs the length of one whole side of the courts had been painted that day, and that we wouldn't be able to use the courts. Plan B: use the auxiliary court that is directly next to the courts that we normally play on.

Usually we play on two tennis courts, and the suggested court of play holds only one. So, this was one roadblock. Another was that the court was filthy, covered at the edges with soggy tree debris. Add to this the dark-ass skies, and we had a situation on our hands. There was talk of calling the whole thing off, but all the teams were already there, and the decision was made to give it a go. It was hardly the safest of conditions, but once you're in beaning mode, there's no turning back. We checked our traction, eyed the newly determined boundary lines, and got to it.

Our first match was against a team that we had beaten handily earlier in the season, and we had no intention of letting the unfamiliar turf stop us from handing them another beatdown. After some early trepidation, we found our footing and really just pegged the shit out of 'em. I'm not even sure I got out over the course of the eight games. In the end, our hands were filthy with tree-muck, but we stood, slightly shivering, and victorious.

Our second match was against the team that we played twice last time around, and both teams were chuckling at the asinine scheduling that brought us together again. Our match took place after a twenty-minute break, and at this point, it was getting a little dark. After three games, it was almost impossible to see. Luckily no one got hit in the face (though one of our players did take a solid shot to the nards), but we all got hit more than we normally do. But both teams were at the same disadvantage, so it didn't really matter too much. By the fifth game, it was beginning to be full-on dangerous. The ref called it on account of darkness (thankfully), and we scraped by with a 3-2 victory. We can look forward to playing them again next time. Seriously.

This next week will be our final one outside, with playoffs being moved to our old gym. That cannot happen soon enough. The outdoors has been fun, but I'm ready for it to be over.

We're sitting pretty in second place. Not bad at all, especially considering the transitionary nature of our squad.

I think it might have something to do with my Bobby Knight-esque coaching style.

Late Summer Dodgeball - Week Three: What a Workout.

2010-08-30T00:47:00.000-07:00

We're playing with four guys and three girls on our roster this season, and it's not leaving us a lot of wiggle room. (In the past, we've had five guys and four girls.) This week, one of our dudes was gone, and we were at a lean six, with three ladies and three gents. Taking a breather? Yeah, that was out. On top of that, for reasons that I have yet to have had explained to me, we played three games this week. Luckily we got to sit for twenty minutes between the second and third, but man: playing every game of every match for three matches made for some heavy breathing from all of us. However, it didn't affect our playing. In fact, the sole match we lost was our first one.

And lose that one we did. We played the champs from last season, the team that wins the title more than anyone else, and the team that's making a real bid to go undefeated this season. We can't stop 'em, and we're one of the teams that's near the top of the heap with them. And as usual, they're the team we can't beat. Blah. Still, as I've said before, they're a good group, and I don't mind that they win all time. Well, I do, but at least they're not assholes.

Our next two matches were against the same team, twenty minutes apart. Not sure who the brainiac is behind the schedule this season, but it must be the same person who always does a terrible job. We really shouldn't be playing the same team twice in a row, unless there's some weird fluke. But, this is fairly typical of our league, so I shouldn't give the impression that I'm surprised, because I am not. And I shouldn't act like I care, because I really don't.

In fact, this week it was a bit satisfying. The team we played came into the evening with an undefeated record (they had yet to play us or the first-place team), which put them ahead of us in the standings. Needless to say, they needed to be put in their place. We were winded by the middle of our second match, but we managed to pull our shit together and keep ourselves out of harm's reach. We took a solid lead early, and kept it, managing some key plays while dodging our opponent's spazzy throws. (They've got some loose cannons on their squad.) Their team is deep as shit, too: I swear they had at least 10 people on their team. The fact that we could take 'em out with no subs is just more proof that we are badasses, schooled in the ancient art of badassery.

The second and third matches were basically interchangeable. The scores aren't posted yet, and I don't remember the actual tallies, but we won both of them by a few, and neither one was particularly close. If there was any question about who the second-place team should be, we made a strong case for ourselves this week. Though there's still one other team that is a threat to us... Things could get interesting.

For now, I'm pretty sure we've got a lock on second. The standings, when posted, will tell the tale.

There are more videos of the evening's activities, and they are here. We almost ended up playing in the dark by the end of the damn night.

Next week: HD videos? My iPhone 4 sure thinks so.

Late Summer Dodgeball - Week Two: It's All Falling Into Place.

2010-08-20T01:58:00.000-07:00

OK: I think we have our final lineup solidified. It's not leaving much room for absentee players, but at least we've got a full squad. That's all I wanted. The icing on the complete-team cake is that we're looking pretty damn sharp out there.

Our two missing players from last week were there this week, and we picked up another full-time girl who showed up for her first week this time, too. So it was our on-court debut as the legit version of Live Free or Die Awesome. And we made it known that we will be a force to be reckoned with. Yes, we played two teams that are new, but we're no longer the weathered veterans that we once were, so I don't consider the playing field that uneven. However, our resounding victories were.

Our first match was against a team who I got a shaky vibe from the first week we played, even though we didn't actually face them. They're mouthy. A bit lippy, even. And not that it would make it acceptable, but they've got nothing to back it up. Not even close. So, though there were some words exchanged at one point (and well-deserved ones, coming from our side), it's always best to just humiliate a team on the court so they are left with no real recourse. We have yet to chant "scoreboard, scoreboard," but I wouldn't say it's out of the question. And if any team deserved it, it was these jokers. No class, no game, and just a general lack of tact.

So, we showed them how it was done, and made them look terrible in the process. 6-2 victory, yo. Good times. We had a girl from another team filling in for us during this match, because our new girl hadn't shown up yet. So really the official coming-out of Live Free or Die Awesome did not occur until our second match of the evening.

In my few short years in the dodgeball league, I've seen some things. What I had not seen, until our second match of this week, was a dude wearing gloves while playing. I'll skip the speculation on his thinking behind this, because who knows what goes through the head of goofball like that. In his defense, he did catch quite a few throws. But come on, man.

So, anyway, with our official team finally intact, we took to the court to wipe the concrete with glove boy and his minions. And we did, though this match ended up being a little tense, too. There was a blatant head shot on one of our players (you can catch the aftermath in this video), and I'm not exactly sure what happened right after that, but I do know that whoever threw it didn't make nice the way he should have. These new teams. They're going to have to learn the hard way. But, as I said, the best thing to do is to simply beat the opposition so badly that they're left with nothing to say, and that's what we did. The final score was 7-1, and glove boy was silenced. No word on how his gloves took the pummeling. I bet they were saddened.

In the end, though there were some rough spots, it was a good night for us. We got two solid wins, gained some confidence, and got one step closer to becoming a cohesive unit. We'll get there.

Oh, and we got our new t-shirts. The design I initially came up with was deemed to colorful for screening purposes, so I went back to the drawing board and came up with this:
Not bad, eh? The ball doesn't look extremely believable in McClane's hand, but you get the idea. With that on our backs, we push forward.

Standings are here. We've got second place all kinds of locked up.

And check this out. Our own Leah (the head shot victim) got Player of the Week! The topper to our great week.

Some more videos are here. Listen up for some solid commentary from my wife.

Late Summer Dodgeball - Week One: Live Free or Die Awesome.

2010-08-16T00:14:00.000-07:00

We had a really consistent lineup for the last for the last year or two, and we were pretty spoiled. Most teams in our league come and go, and the ones that stick around seem to always shuffle through players. We were lucky enough to assemble a group of folks who were dependable and really into playing, and we rode that glorious train for as long as we could. Alas, life comes calling, and things can't remain the same forever. So, this is the first season in a long time (probably since I joined the squad in the team's second league appearance) when things on our team have been shaken up so considerably.

Two guys and two girls weren't returning, so that left us with half a team. There was talk of taking a season off, and I tried to make peace with that for almost 24 hours before I realized I didn't want to go two months without playing. My arm's in the best shape it's been in since high school (seriously), and I don't want to take the chance of resting it for too long. These old bones are unpredictable. So, I made the executive decision to take over as team captain, and set out to find some new players. It's been a little rough, but I think we're going to be fine. We're still ironing out a few details with our final roster, and a few of the new faces (and a familiar one) you see in the videos from this week probably won't be returning. Plus, a few people who are returning from last season weren't there this time around. So things won't fully be ironed out until this coming week. But by then, we should be ready to move forward.

I'm fully prepared for this to be a rebuilding season (how's that for a sports cliche?), but if our first week out there with our new team (and a new name - see post title) was any indication, I think this should be a really fun league. First off, the earth has apparently rotated enough in the last few weeks to no longer make the sun a factor. I did not need to wear a pulled-down baseball cap while I played, and that was a relief. Though I do miss its sweat-catching abilities. Might be headband time. Anyway, that's a big plus. Also, the league is super-small this time around - only six teams - so, we'll get a chance to play everybody a few times, and we'll know what to expect from each squad. On top of that, there's a few returning teams who look about the same as last season, but also another team like us (same team, some new faces), and two completely new teams. Good mix.

And although we were playing with a couple subs this week who probably won't be back, we looked good out there. Our first match was against the team that beat us in the playoffs last season, and I was looking forward to a rematch, even if just for the opportunity to nail this girl on their team that I don't like for a number of reasons. That got taken care of fairly early, so that was nice. And while I didn't think we wouldn't win, with our history of losing first matches and a brand new team dynamic, I wasn't banking on it. But, somehow, there we were. We took a commanding lead and managed to hold onto it, even though things got a little shaky towards the end. Our first win, right out the box. I'll take it. The other team was unstoked on the whole thing, and that made it even sweeter.

Our next match was against the league champs from last season, and their team is basically the same as it was last time around. They're a well-oiled machine, and though we didn't come close to beating them, we did play really well. Not sure what the final score was, but it didn't seem to matter. We played hard, didn't seem to get blown out of any of the games, and just generally put up a good fight. Nothing to feel bad about. I like their team, too, so I actually look forward to playing them, which is nice. I scoped out some of the new teams and they seem like goofballs, so I'll take an un-annoying team wherever I can get one. They may be few and far between this time around.

It's a whole new Awesome. Are you ready for it? Here's the proposed t-shirt design I came up with:

Whaddya think? Probably won't be that brimming with color when it's applied to the shirts, but you get the idea.

Standings are here, though they haven't been updated as of me typing this.

Bunch more videos here.

And the beat goes on.

Summer Softball - Week Six: We Can Now Hold Our Heads Up High.

2010-08-13T01:25:00.000-07:00

Because, against all odds, we did not end the season in the cellar. Hurrah!

It wouldn't have been right if the season hadn't ended with a weird Sunday on the diamond, so things were predictably strange out there this time around. We were, as usual, missing a bunch of players. Compound that with the fact that we were playing a doubleheader, and you've got a recipe for me being frustrated. But, thanks to some folks helping us out, we made it through the day.

The most notable was my lovely wife, who really didn't want to play. But after exhausting literally every other female option any of us could think of, I applied some mild pressure and she caved. (We needed four girls out there and we only had three without her.) I know she didn't have the time of her life, but she did a fine job at catcher, got on base at least three times that I can remember, and did not strike out, which I was happy about. That's a humiliation I was hoping she would not have to suffer. Thankfully, she avoided it. Check the video above for the crowning moment of our union.

The other folks that helped us out were, oddly enough, from the team that I was whining about last week. A guy and girl from their squad agreed to play with us, and the girl even stuck around for both games. It hasn't changed my mind about their team, because they weren't the ones I had the problem with in the first place, but it was really nice of those two people. And that girl - man, she could play. I think she turned three double plays at second, and she was a solid slap hitter. It was great.

So, anyway, our first game was against the other team who hadn't won a game all season, and I knew it was our only chance for victory. Our second game was a guaranteed blowout. I didn't mention this to anyone, because it wouldn't have mattered. Not because of the "jinx" or whatever. When it comes to baseball/softball, I'm not a superstitious person. Once you try something like that and realize it doesn't actually work, you get over the voodoo shit pretty quick. When I was 14 I was in a Babe Ruth tournament and decided I wasn't going to shower until we lost. And I was playing baseball games every day. And I was 14. And we kept winning for like four days. By the end of it I smelled like a rendering facility. And we eventually lost. So it was all for nothing. But that's not why you called.

The game ended up being close, because we refuse to play any other way. In fact, as usual, we had a commanding lead going into the final inning, and next thing you know they've got two people on base and nobody out. Luckily we had enough of a buffer to allow for the rally that was inevitable, and we ended up making some key defensive plays that put out the fire before things got too close for comfort. Final score: 16-14. Boom.

Then we promptly lost the next game 24-2. But we knew that was going to happen. And the other team wasn't dicks about it. So I couldn't have cared less.

And that was the season, folks. I think we were mathematically eliminated from the playoffs weeks ago, so that was no longer a consideration. I just wanted to get through the final day with some dignity, and I think we pulled that off. I also drove in my wife two different times (on a triple and a home run), which is not something most dudes get the chance to do. That's probably good, because watching your wife run the bases in front of you is very, very disconcerting.

So, pretty sure I went 4-5 in the first game and 1-3 in the second. That puts me at 5-8 on the day, and 21-31 on the season, which brings my final average to a whopping .677. I'll take it.

Final standings are here. We tied for second-to-last, with that damn team that we tied in Week One. I knew that would haunt us.

Thanks to Erin, who took the well-timed video of my wife and I's magic moment. View the sweet-ass HD version here.

Next season: Mushball...?

Summer Softball - Week Five: You Call it "Hustling," I Call it "Running Up the Score."

2010-08-03T00:13:00.000-07:00

So many teams is this league that are just chock-full o' dickheads.

My complaint this week is basically the same one I had in Week Three: I don't care if you pulverize us, just don't rub it in by taking extra bases and cranking homers when you're ahead by twenty runs. It's bad form, it's bad manners, and in any other organized softball league it would be severely frowned upon. Not sure what the deal is with ours, but nobody seems to get it.

We played the first-place team this week, so believe me: our expectations were low. On top of that, we were short five of our players, so we had to scramble to just field a team. We somehow managed to get together nine, so we represented almost a complete squad (you get ten on the field in softball, remember), and that was much better than the eight we were trying to work with last week. Our opponents only had nine, too, so that worked out nicely. But that was where any evenness between the two of us began and ended. They had some dudes who could really hit the shit out of the ball, and they didn't hold back. Even when they were ahead by at least fifteen. Just kept cranking the dingers. Right on, bros.

As usual, we didn't have any trouble putting runs on the board, but we gave up over twice what we brought in. This time around, it wasn't even that we played exceptionally poor defense. These dudes just kept hitting, and there wasn't a whole lot we could do. But again, why they felt the need to scramble for extra bases in the final innings when they were up by so much, I might never understand. After one guy flew down to third and slid in after one of our players bobbled the ball after a play was over, I asked him if they really needed to get another run across. He said he was "just hustling." Whatever you need to call it, tubby bald guy wearing wraparound sunglasses and playing co-ed recreational sports like it's the fucking World Series. Whatever makes you feel like a cool, cool guy.

Wow, I didn't think I was still so worked up about this. That gooey chrome-domed choadbag really got to me. I've got to be better than this. Or somebody's got to be better than somebody. Or somebody's got to tell the other main score-runner-upper on their team to take off his multi-colored pooka shell necklace. Something has gotta give here!

Final score: 36-14. On the upside, we hit the ball hard, made some solid plays in the field, and I feel like a lot of players are feeling more comfortable on defense as the weeks go by. So that's good. And honestly, I'm happy to be out there playing no matter what the circumstances are. But in a perfect world, I wouldn't have to be on the same city block as some of the sack wranglers that we've run into this season, let alone hearing their excuses for wrangling that sack so fucking vigorously. I guess I'm a dreamer.

In more self-obsessed news, I went 3-5 at the plate (maybe 4-5, but I think the scorekeeper would have jotted down E-6 on one of my grounders), bringing my total tally to 16-23, which finds me at .695 on the year, with two games remaining (both to be played next week). Feeling good at the plate. Feeling comfortable. Feeling loose.

Standings are here. We are not at the top.

Few more videos here.

Summer Dodgeball - Week Seven: Playoffs.

2010-08-02T01:11:00.000-07:00

I feel like I've told this story before.

It's not that our dodgeball seasons - and especially playoffs - are always predictable (see last season), but the way things shook out this time around felt eerily familiar. I'm too lazy to sift through past posts to confirm it, but I'm fairly certain we'd all seen this episode before. A fairy tale ending to this season for us would have been too perfect (for reasons I'll get to here in a sec), so I'm not surprised we didn't pull it off, but I am a bit disappointed. But I'm always disappointed unless we win the championship, so that goes without saying. Oh, wait - did I mention that we didn't win the championship? Spoiler alert: we didn't win the championship. So, there you go: that explains my disappointment.

Our performance on Wednesday night pretty much mirrored our performance throughout this season: good, but not great; so close, yet so far away; almost, but not quite. You get the idea, and you respect my excessive use of cliche. There have been evenings during our many seasons when we have played flat-out terribly. And on those nights, you just throw up your hands and try to move on. It's the nights when you play well except for a few crucial things here and there that can really be the kickers. Playoffs for us this time around was like that: Flashes of greatness sporadically peppered between lengthy stretches of just playing really solidly. So: nothing to be ashamed of, but you're not going to take a title unless there's more greatness than solidity. You know this.

Our first game was against a team that we had already played twice this season, and this first-round matchup was to complete the rare trifecta of beatdowns they had the pleasure of receiving from us. Lucky them. They had only taken one game from us out of our previous thirteen, but thanks to a badass female ringer they brought in for the playoffs (cool move!), they put up more of a fight this time around. I'm always hesitant to talk smack too excessively on here, because I never know who's going to stumble across it. (If you wonder why I don't mention team names, or many names at all for that matter, that's why. This is our thing. Let's keep it that way.) So I won't go into great detail, but this team is really not one of our favorites. They talk too much, and a couple of dudes on their squad are just mad aggravating. So, beating them is always a pleasure.

Like I said, they gave us a better run than they usually do this time around. The final tally was 5-2, and it felt like a really long match. A few of the games got dragged out, and honestly, that's to their credit. They were scrappin'. Lucky for us, we often - but not always - play better when fueled by annoyance, so we had no plans of letting the victory slip away from us. And we really were annoyed. I even piped up at one point, which I believe you can see in the video above. Proud moments, y'all. Eh, whatever. So, yeah, we got the win, a few harsh words were exchanged, and we moved on to the winner's bracket in the second round.

The pace seemed to be set by this first game. We started strong - really strong - but ended up dropping the game after we let our guard down. And from there, we just couldn't catch up. This time around, the annoyance factor didn't propel us in any way. The team we were playing is notoriously one of our least favorites, and though we've beat them in the past, they have a habit of getting us frazzled to the point of us losing focus. That in itself is annoying, but it's just the kind of annoyance that breeds snap decisions that get us nowhere. It's happened before with them, and it happened again this time. It's crap.

They ended up taking the match 5-2, and we were sent packing. We got a small consolation in the form of finding out later that they got whooped by the first-place team, who beat them in the championship, but it would have been so much nicer if it had been us losing that championship game. I guess it just wasn't our night.

But, like I was saying earlier, it would have been storybook-ish to pull off a championship this time around. We're losing two of our players after this season, so this marks the end of Team Awesome: The Classic Version. We shall forge ahead, but it won't be the same. Two of our ladies are embarking on new paths in their lives - both very different, but both very exciting. (I mean to get across that this is a positive thing for them, aside from the whole dodgeball-free aspect of it.) So, while we're all very happy for these two gals who have been rock-solid while trudging through all the peaks and valleys with our team, we're certainly going to miss sharing the court with them, and it's going to feel not-quite-right for a while, I'm sure.

In tribute and memoriam, I prepared this video, attempting to showcase some highlights of these girls from the past year (when things started getting videotaped), while also trying to evoke some sense of the good times we've had together. Some notes on the vid:

The song is by Supersuckers, it's called "End of an Era," and it's available on their b-sides and rarities collection Devil's Food, which is awesome. You should buy it.

The song is very short, and when you combine that with the fact that I'm not much of a film editor, you can probably get a sense for how all-encompassing this ended up being. But I gave it a good shot, I think.

This was my wife's idea, and she shot all the video, so she deserves mad credit where made credit is due, yo.

If it looks like there's some conveniently placed footage of me in here making sweet plays, I must state for the record that it was unintentional. One of the times was to complete the shot of one of the girls walking off the court, and the other time was meant to be a pensive ending shot of the two of them walking off the court together. I just happened to be in the foreground being sweet. I can't help that.

I think you'll find my use of special effects to be both tasteful and technically impressive.

So, here it is. We're going to miss you guys.

Touching, ain't it?

The rest of the videos from last week can be found here.

Final standings are here.

New season starts up pretty quick. Looks like we're doing two with the red rubber balls this year. Yowsa.

Summer Softball - Week Four: A Break, and How We Can't Catch One.

2010-07-31T00:50:00.000-07:00

Man, I really thought we had a shot this week.

We were playing a team that was short a few players, which would have been really sweet, had we not been short a few players as well. When you've got seven (I think there were eight at some points - long story) players in the field when you're supposed to have ten, it's a mess: Bases don't get covered, balls bloop into holes that shouldn't even exist, and forget about double plays or cutoff men. It's freestyle out there.

And actually, that suited us pretty well for the first half of the game. Then, as usual, our opposing team - who were way cooler than either of the teams we've played in the last few weeks, btw - busted shit open with a few big innings right in the middle of the damn thing. We missed some plays that should have been made, sure - but being shorthanded just makes things too darn wonky to expect anything less. If I sound like I'm whining, it's because I'm frustrated. If I sound like I'm frustrated, it's because we have yet to win a game this season. If I sound like I'm obsessed with winning, it's because my dad pushed me way too hard in athletics when I was a child. If I sound like a child, it's because his method of living out his shattered dreams vicariously through his child left my emotional growth stunted at age 12, where I remain to this day. On the inside. But on the outside, make no mistake: I'm all man, baby.

Oh, and we lost 23-14.

But I'll dry my tears like I always do, and look forward to this weekend, where we play the first-place team. About half of our squad won't be there, so all signs are pointing to this being the week when I lose it on the field and flip out, Weaver style. Let's hope that doesn't happen.

In a bit of good news to come out of the week, I went 5-6 at the plate. (One good thing about being short players - you get to bat more.) That puts me at 13-18 on the season, raising my average back up to a mean .722. Take that, society.

Standings are here. We are sharing the cellar with a few teams, so at least we're not alone. But man, I hate being surrounded by losers.

The Films of Judy Greer, Part Sixteen: The Village (2004)

2010-07-26T01:12:00.000-07:00

I watched this movie weeks ago, and I'm somehow just now getting around to writing about it. Seems to be the way it goes. That being said, it's been almost three months since I did a Greer post, so I'm overdue. I'm sure you were jonesing hard. Or, wondering if I gave it up. No such luck. I'm still at it. And with the aid of Netflix for the Wii, I'm going to be able to knock out some of these movies much quicker than I thought. It's going to be pretty sweet.

But, for now, let's get into The Village, which I saw in the theater when it came out, didn't like, and wasn't looking forward to seeing again. It wasn't much better the second time around, as is the case with most of these Shyamalan twist-enders. This one has arguably the most senseless twist ending of them all, and if you've seen it, you know that. So I don't need to go into that. I agree with what most people said about this movie: good actors, good acting, bad script. Maybe just a bad idea.

I had seen Signs in 2002 and really liked it (I still think it's Shyamalan's best flick), and I had also more-or-less enjoyed his first two major movies, so I was looking forward to seeing this one. Like I said: didn't do much for me.

Greer plays a neurotic, love-hungry girl in the movie, and she provides a bit of comic relief during an otherwise grim progression of events. Her role isn't huge, but she makes the most of it, attempting to woo Joaquin Phoenix's character, failing miserably, and being reduced to spazzy tears. I remember she got a lot of face time in the preview for this flick, because she's the one that leads folks into the cellar in this notorious shot. So, you know, good for her.

Ah, the mid-2000s. When M. Night Shyamalan still had the film world awaiting his next move. Now they just want him to go away. That's a shame.

Summer Dodgeball - Week Six: Like There Was Ever Any Doubt.

2010-07-25T00:56:00.000-07:00

I mean, come on. We always finish near the top of the heap. Just because we hit a few speed bumps along the way this season, that's no reason to lose faith in us. We may be inconsistent during the season, but we always come back around to nab that respectable finish. And that's why you love us. (This is the speech I'd be giving if we had any fans.)

It was a solid week on the courts this time around. After our picture-perfect performance last week, I knew we'd be rolling into the final week of the regular season with some momentum. Still, when you only play once every seven days, there's plenty of time for that momentum to subside. Thankfully, we somehow found a way to harness it - to hold onto that sweet feeling that brought us out of the funk we found ourselves in after week four. (This really has been a topsy-turvy season.) We needed another week of inspiration to guide us into the playoffs, and we got it.

The two teams we were up against were not only ahead of us in the standings, but they had also both beat us earlier in the season. Since payback seems to be our strong suit these days, these two matches couldn't have come at a better time. It seems like we always have tough match-ups in the last week of the season, and as with all of our other results, the outcome has been inconsistent. But we still had nightmarish visions of being in the middle of the standings, and we wanted to make sure that everyone knew that was only a temporary, mid-season hiccup.

Our first match was closer than the final score would indicate, and in fact, as I'm looking at the final scores for both of our matches from that evening (on the official website, which is notoriously unreliable), I'm wondering if there aren't some errors there. It's claiming that we won our first match 5-2, but I feel like it was more like 4-3... I don't know. Who cares. We won. There were definitely some well-fought games, but our accuracy was unmatched. Really nailing some thighs. A nice victory to start the evening off right.

Our second match was against the first-place team, who up to that point had only dropped one game all season. It was our duty to knock them down a peg, and peg-knocked they got. Can't recall any outstanding details from the match, except that we generally looked sharp out there, and that the opposition seemed a little peeved that the match was called when it was. I gotta admit: it did seem like a short session. But it worked in our favor, so you weren't going to hear me clamoring for more time. The website has us listed as winning 4-1, but that's way off. I think it was 3-2. Whatever. We won.

And hopefully we can take that winning streak (now at four!) into the playoffs and make something of it. Daddy needs another championship ring. And hopefully there will be video next week. My wife is a lazy, lazy woman.

Standings are here. We ended up in a four-way tie for second place.

Congrats to my teammate Mike, who won the prestigious Player of the Week award this week. Read all about it on our team page.

Playoffs. Soon. We are ready.

Summer Softball - Week Three: If Winning Were Easy, Everybody Would Be Doing It.

2010-07-24T23:31:00.000-07:00

When you're up against a team that's in full uniform (I'm talking matching pants here, folks), you know you're going to face some dingbats who are taking things a little too seriously. I thought the team we played last week was dopey for taking a full infield/outfield before the game. The guy heading it up on the squad from this week was running it with more enthusiasm than my high school baseball coach. I'm half-surprised he didn't have a fungo out there. (You baseball players know what I'm talking about.)

Their third baseman looked like he just came from an Albert Pujols lookalike contest. Dude was rocking long-ass baseball pants (wrapped under the heel of his cleats, mind you), Oakley Blades, and had batting gloves flapping out of both of his back pockets. He kept saying things like "nice little poke" and "solid base knock," just to let us all know that - and get this - he has played baseball before. Well, everybody step aside. We've got ourselves an honest-to-god ballplayer in our midst! My jockstrap almost fell out of my pinstriped, professional-grade, MLB-licensed, Yankee-replica pants. Oh wait. No it didn't. I don't wear either of those things. Because it's fucking softball.

So, there's my rant about that.

Anyway, they destroyed us. Which wouldn't bother me so much if they hadn't been pushing for extra bases while relentlessly running up the score. Pujols dude got a double, and when somebody in our infield made a slightly errant throw that barely got away from its intended target, he barreled down to third, slid in, and started clapping for himself. Would have been a heads-up baserunning move if they hadn't been ahead by 14 runs at the time. So, instead, it was just a huge dick move. That's the kind of sportsmanship we like to see! Weeeeeeak.

So, another rough week on the diamond. Hopefully this weekend will prove to be more successful. I even had a rough week at the plate. Fairly certain I went 1-4. Yowsa. That brings my season average down to a still-respectable .666. Need to get back in the groove!

Standings are here. We are near the bottom.

Few more videos here.

Summer Dodgeball - Week Five: And We're Back!

2010-07-20T00:37:00.000-07:00

In a twist of fate only Tiger Beat could have predicted, our biggest roadblock this week was the tween-induced traffic jam caused by the Justin Bieber concert at the Rose Garden. I made it to the courts with about a minute to spare, but a few of my teammates weren't as lucky. However, they were only a few minutes late, so once we were properly assembled (and after we won our first game with the aid of some kindly fill-ins), we were ready to undo the damage that had been done last week.

Rarely do I give credit to the boobs who make the schedule for our league, but this time around, their ineptitude worked in our favor. Our first match was against the first team we lost to last week, in a game we should not have dropped. We never play the same team two weeks in a row, so this was a singular chance to prove our superiority. And prove it we did. The wounds were still fresh from last week, and we used that pain to systematically take our opponents down.

Tensions were high, and even yours truly got a little mouthy (see the video above) with a dude who continued his headhunting ways from last week. The ol' "I didn't do it on purpose" excuse can only get you so far, brody. I am throwing balls out there, too, and somehow mine don't always blaze past peoples' earholes. It is time to get your shit together. Once is a mistake. Ten times is a surefire sign that you are too much of a spaz to play adult dodgeball. It's a sad moment in any man's life when you have to admit that to yourself, I'm sure. But it's the reality of the situation.

Anyway, not even he could phase us. We didn't drop a game, cruising to a solid 5-0 victory that instilled a bit of confidence in us. It was nice to feel like we were back on solid ground again.

Our next match was against another team who we had played earlier in the season, though this was a few weeks back. We beat them handily then, and the plan was to get it done again. They seem like nice enough folks, but they do tend to rub us the wrong way, so it really is a pleasure to hand them a loss.

Continuing the demolition that began in our first match, we set to keep the shutout streak (that was at 1 at this point) going, and didn't have much trouble making it happen. Our throws were precise, we seemed to be catching any and everything, and the vibe was both relaxed and vindictive - just how we like it. Our opposing team was the type that flaps their gums quite a bit, and I've found that the best way to stop those gums a-flappin' is to peg somebody right in the chest, knock the wind out of them, and enjoy some quiet time while they wheeze for air. The rhythmic tones of their short, frantic gasps is really quite soothing.

In the end, we pulled off another shutout, making us 11-0 on the night. Not bad. We needed a little pick-me-up, and a week like that does the trick. It couldn't have come at a better time, either, because we've got some tough matches coming up this week. It's the last week of the season, and we're playing two teams who we've already lost to this season. The opportunities for payback continue.

Bunch more videos here.

Standings are here. All of a sudden we're tied for third place. I'll take it.

Summer Softball - Week Two: Turns Out Field Maintenance Was Not the Solution.

2010-07-17T01:15:00.000-07:00

The field looked great this week! We did not.

I don't know if it was because we were missing some key players or because we were playing a strong team, but we really didn't bring our, how do you say, "A game" this past Sunday. It was more like our C game. Eh, maybe our G game. Whatever you want to call it, we were on the wrong end of a pummeling. Of course, we were playing a bunch of choadbags who took an organized infield before the game, so I wasn't shocked that they bested us. They were taking it pretty seriously.

Still, they didn't really hit the ball that hard. Seems like they had a lot of bloop singles and doubles, and that shit just added up. Unfortunately, it added up to 30 runs. We somehow came up with 13, but clearly, it wasn't enough.

Anyway, it was a rough week out there. I spent the day on the hill, and though I fared pretty well at it last season, it didn't come back to me as quickly as I had hoped. I had trouble finding the strike zone, got flustered, and walked some folks I shouldn't have. The opposing team, of course, continued to run up the score and argue calls while they were ahead by 12 runs. Cool move.

As you can tell, it's a game I'd rather forget. Thankfully, it's still early in the season. We've got plenty of time to bring it back around.

On a personally positive note, I went 4-4 with two doubles. That brings my current average up to an astounding .875. I smell a batting championship...

Standings here.

Summer Dodgeball - Week Four: We're the Defending Champions, Right?

2010-07-09T01:08:00.000-07:00

Because we sure aren't playing like a team that's currently holding the title.

I don't even know what the hell happened this week. Everything seemed fine at the outset of the evening, but as soon as we hit the court, we crumbled. Our first match was against a team who had only won one previous match this season, and though that record doesn't necessarily reflect their stature as a team, I think it's safe to say that we didn't see things going the way that they did.

We dropped the first two games to them - one after a lengthy one-on-one ending - got pissed, and came back and won the next two. We then managed to lose the final game, though I can't remember how it went down. I think I blacked out from the rage at some point. We just weren't playing like ourselves. It didn't help that one of our team members was stuck in traffic and not there, one was hyperventilating, and the rest of us were apparently unable to get our shit together. We can bitch about the refs and the high throws (and we did), but it shouldn't have been close. Argh.

I really can't remember the last time we dropped both of our matches in the same night. I'm sure it's happened more recently than I recall, but it feels like it's been forever. The fact that we had to lose our second match to the team that we all despise more than any other team in the league didn't sweeten the deal. The whole thing was a mess, and I'd rather just forget it. I'm almost glad there was no video of us falling apart.

Maybe it wasn't that bad, but it felt like it. A rough night all around. And yes, there is no video this week. Blame my wife, who is too high on prescription medication to even function anymore. Maybe she'll show up in her nightgown next week to capture some shaky footage. Maybe.

Standings are here. We are the team smack-dab in the middle with the .500 record. Yikes.

Summer Dodgeball - Week Three: Blinding Sun Beats Down In My Eyes.

2010-07-08T23:52:00.000-07:00

You Mudhoney fans know what I'm talking about.

First off, apologies for the tardiness of this post. Vimeo is really trying my patience. I sat down a few nights ago to get this all done and their uploader wasn't available. And you know what, even when it is, it only works about 75% of the time. And I'm paying for this service, so I feel justified in my complainitude. (See my previous post for more on that.) So, that stalled me. And then I don't know what happened last night. Sleep or something. But I'm here now. Talking about the matches from eight days ago. We'll see what I remember.

Ah, yes. In our first match we played one of our old rivals, a squad who always gives us a run for our money and who we have often met in the later rounds of the playoffs. They're a good group, and I actually look forward to playing them. We lose to them far too often, but they're honest and they're good sports and I appreciate that.

Seems like we always end up going to a tiebreaker with them, and this time was no different. Though the way it happened may have been a bit more frustrating than usual. After taking a 3-0 lead, we managed to not only let them catch up and force a tiebreaker, but also to beat us in that tiebreaker. Yep, we dropped four in a row after coming out strong. We are seriously the most inconsistent team in the history of adults throwing balls at each other. It's maddening. Though, like I said, they're a good group, so it didn't sting quite as bad.

But, it was still frustrating. Or at least it was for me. We finally had a night where we didn't have a twenty-minute break between matches, so there was no time for cooler heads to prevail or for my revenge mission to become diluted by sideline-sitting. We went right from one match to the next, and as soon as one of the jokers on the team we were playing next started acting cutesy and running his mouth, it was hip-cracking time.

His teammates weren't quite as motormouthed, but they seemed chatty, so they too got sent to the sidelines. We're here to wing rubber balls at each other, not to make potty jokes. Get in the game, chumpy. Needless to say, our rage was converted to victory, and we were able to leave feeling somewhat satisfied. Somewhat. But we're not ourselves out there... I don't know what it is.

OH. The sun. Not that that is to blame for our shaky season, but it does suck. If you're on one side of the court: nothin' but shade. If you're on the other: you can't see a goddamned thing. It's ruthless. And it was like this last year and I knew what I was getting into. So really, I should just shut my yap.

More videos here, chumpies.

Summer Softball - Week One: Somebody Call the Groundskeeper.

2010-07-02T02:15:00.000-07:00

Finally, softball has started back up. After switching fields/leagues once or twice and finally finding a schedule to our liking, we settled on a different field than we've been playing on for the past two mini-seasons, and hit the diamond this past Sunday. Or we would have, if one were able to make out any discernible shapes underneath the harsh overgrowth that dominated the infield dirt. Clearly the field had not been tended to in the past year, and it was a mess. Patchy clumps of grass shot up all over the place (check the video to see what I'm talking about) in the less infiltrated areas, and the separation between infield and outfield was blurry at best.

I try not to complain about things that are out of my control, and things that are free. (Or at leas this is how I picture myself. Maybe I'm just a huge whiner. Sorry if that's the case.) When I hear people complaining about Facebook, Twitter, etc., I don't get it. These are free services and you are lucky to have them. But as soon as I start paying for something, I feel that I'm owed something in return. This is normal, right? I'm paying for Vimeo now, and when it doesn't work properly (which is more often than I would like), I find myself getting pissed. If I'm paying for this service, it should work properly. I am paying to play in this softball league. They should make sure the fields are playable.

This was more of a let's-get-drunk-and-play-a-spontaneous-game-of-kickball field. It technically had the desired dimensions - albeit obscured by crabgrass - but that's where any resemblance to a field on which people should be playing an organized sport ended. It should be no shock, then, that a bunch of people took ground balls to the body over the course of our game. Bad hops are one thing. A softball careening through a slalom course of dirt and weeds in quite another. It was like fucking Plinko out there.

Anyway. We're looking sharp this season. A lot the old team is back, and we're picking up where we left off. We hit the ball hard, made smart plays in the field, and though some of us - me included - hit the ball right at the opposition's fielders, they were solid knocks. Gone are the days of overthrows and panicky spazzing. We've all spent some time between the lines, and we know how it goes.

What I didn't know is that these games can end in a tie. Apparently we're allowed one extra inning and that's it. I don't want to get into the whole "baseball (softball) is awesome because there are no ties" tirade, but come on. The ump told us that there was another game right after ours. We stuck around for a picnic and the next game didn't start for at least 45 minutes. One more thing for me to complain about.

But we played well, and if it wasn't for our inability to hold 'em in the bottom of the seventh and our lack of run-producing in the eighth, we would have come out with the "W." Instead, we'll have to settle for the unheard-of "T." But that's OK. The season is young, and I'm excited about it.

I went 3-4 with two doubles and a single off the pitcher's chest. Not a bad start. And check out this squad! The lady in yellow is our ace closer. She brings the heat.

Standings are here.

Also, our very own Mo got Player of the Week. Check out the corresponding article here and marvel at how many times the author uses the word "celebrate."

Few more videos here.

Oh, and - I made the executive decision to purchase this domain name, so you can now get to this blog by simply using http://www.conkidconyou.com/. Fancy.

Summer Dodgeball - Week Two: We Needed That.

2010-07-01T01:34:00.001-07:00

After our typically lackluster beginning to the season, we came into the second week ready to redeem ourselves. We've done it before, and given our predictable nature, I almost assumed we'd do it again. And we did. Thoroughly.

My wife wussed out on coming to the games, so the only thing I have to show for this week is this one photo I snapped in between games. Yup, that's what it looks like when we're milling about. So, sorry about that. Action-packed vids will return next week.

I'm still not sure if the odds were in our favor or we just needed to wallop some teams, but we were almost flawless this past Monday. Out of 15 total games, we lost one. Not too bad, I must say. And since we're such a sensitive group, an ego boost like that can carry us a long way. And we'll take what we can get. We're not picky.

Our first match ended up being 7-1 in our favor, but the team we played is going to be good if they stick it out. They had some dudes with arms, but they just hadn't figured out how to control them yet. The rubber balls don't help. And neither does the goddamned sun that we spend half of our time staring into. But I guess that's everyone's problem. Ugh.

Our second match was a full-on blowout, complete with me hitting a guy in the legs while he was jumping, sweeping his feet out from underneath him and forcing him to almost do a faceplant. Because he wasn't hurt, I can now laugh about it. He seemed to have his act together, but the rest of his team was in nubile rookie mode, and it was rough. But, like I said: we'll take it.

Again, apologies for the lack of visual stimuli. Things will be back on track for the next update. Also, this post is mad late. So, apologies for that, too. These evenings keep getting away from me.

Summer Dodgeball - Week One: You Know the Drill.

2010-06-22T00:10:00.000-07:00

Every single time.

Would it kill us to win both of our games in the first week of a dodgeball season? For the record - not that there was much doubt about it - this was the fifth season in a row that we went 1-1 in the first week. Every season in the past year. At this point it's just what we do. Our own little self-fulfilling prophecy. So, sorry for the spoiler there, but I just had to lead with that fun little fact.

We're back on the tennis courts this season, hurling the red rubber balls. And though this would normally coincide with the invigorated splendor of summer, the weather has been so dreary that we were lucky to even play at all this week. We already got rained out in our first scheduled week, so the whole season has been shifted one week to the right. I thought we weren't going to get matches in this week, but we somehow got a reprieve from the rain for almost a full day. The courts were deemed safe for play, and though it was a bit cold, the conditions were decent.

As usual, we came out sluggish, taking the entirety of the first match to get our shit together. We threw a ton of balls that were caught, and failed to make many catches on our side. Catches make all the difference, my friends, and we blew it in that department. We did manage to win one game, but in the end, we got handed a big loss. That was a bummer, but like I said, it's such a given at this point that no one really sweats it too much. And I think that's good.

We got a twenty-minute break in between matches, and though this gave us a nice little rest, it also cooled us down quite a bit. Thankfully, we kept some of our post-loss rage in reserve and were able to access it when we hit the court. The resulting win was not the blowout that we had hoped for. We ended up being tied 3-3 going into the last match, and had to pull out the tiebreaker to seal the deal. I know we had had some lengthy time off between seasons, and playing with the rubber balls always takes some adjusting to, but man: we did not look like defending champions out there.

I certainly didn't feel like a defending champion out there. The cold didn't help, for sure. And playing outside is so strange when you've been indoors for a year straight that it definitely takes some getting used to. Hopefully we synced ourselves up with the new digs and we'll come out strong next week. We usually do. Such a predictable team we are.

I'm rocking my Nike Air Trainer SC "Bo Jacksons" this season, so I'm looking fresh to death. Like there was any question about that. They are crazy comfortable. I might look into a pair of the other OG Bo SC's at some point. I just need a reason... I'll think of something.

Standings are here.

More videos here.

Can't believe I haven't blogged here in over a month. Shame on me. Lucky for you, softball starts back up this weekend and I've got a Judy Greer movie sitting on top of my DVD player. Get ready for my triumphant return.

Spring Softball - Week Six: Finishing Strong.

2010-05-20T01:05:00.000-07:00

Our loss last week didn't crush our spirits. Instead, it just reminded us that we were suddenly a team to be reckoned with, and we needed to start acting like it.

Our true test would come in this, the last week of the season, as we were matched up against the only undefeated team in the league. If they had us pegged as an easy defeat, they were way off. We had experienced victory, and we were looking to feel that rush once more before the season ended. While we were already statistically eliminated from playoff contention, it seemed like a final-game victory would be the best way to cap off a season that found us really coming into our own as a team. So we got to it.

It certainly didn't hurt that our opponents were facing us in the second game of their once-per-season doubleheader, but if they were too tired (and maybe a little drunk), that was their problem. The game started out with some solid back-and-forth scoring, with both of our teams hitting the ball hard. We were then treated to the first ejection I've seen in our two seasons of softball, when one of the members of the opposing team gave the ump the ol' "You know what? Fuck you!" routine. He was quickly tossed and it was awesome. I would have preferred a little more arguing leading up to the heave-ho, but he came in early with his most vulgar material, and the whole situation climaxed quickly. Still: pretty sweet.

I think I mentioned the nine-run "mercy rule" in my last post, as we have often in the past - though only once this season - been on the receiving end of that embarrassing turn of events. This time around, it was our turn to dole out the embarrassment. If we needed more proof that we had exponentially improved, this was it: we nine-runned the first-place team. And as an inning like that usually represents the nails in our coffin, so it did for them. We took a commanding lead, added a few more runs along the way, and went into the final inning up by 11. They came out strong with the bats and got a few, but we made some easy plays and sealed the deal. It's all fundamentals, people.

It felt good. We may not have made the playoffs, but having three teams below us in the final standings was a huge leap for us. And we've got a new season starting up here pretty quick. I can't wait.

I'm not positive, but I'm pretty sure I went 3-5. (One of the ones I'm calling a hit was definitely in need of an official ruling.) That brings my final tally to 18-29, giving me a final batting average of .620. Solid, but I'm still shooting for the .700's.

Few more videos here.

Glad we're getting a little break. My left quad is being a wussy. Warming up seems like so much work...

Spring Dodgeball - Week Seven: Champions.

2010-05-14T00:21:00.000-07:00

Yeah, that's right.

I said last week that "We've got to really make shit happen in the playoffs if we want to shock the dodgeball world and take the championship. I should probably start doing Tae Bo." Well, we made that shit happen. The lesson we can all take from this is clear: Tae Bo works.

We went into the evening with nothing to lose. We were in third place with three teams ahead of us (two-way tie for second), and though none of us would dare utter such a thing, I don't think we were expecting to come out of the evening with the title. Sure, it was a possibility - the playoffs are an unpredictable beast - but it hadn't been our strongest season. Turns out we perform well under no pressure. I think we already knew this, but when you finish is first or second, it's hard not to feel those eyes on you. When you finish more towards the middle of the pack, people don't see you as such a threat. Big mistake.

Our first match was against a team that we had already faced twice this season (most recently back in Week Five), and though we'd beaten them both times we faced them, we had also made them angry. They were clearly amped up, and as we took a quick lead, it just made them more pissy. This led to repeated head-throwing (which we are always led to believe is "not on purpose") and general flailing on their part. As usual, it worked against them. The final score was 5-4, and it was a hard-fought win for us. But a win it was. This team now officially hates our guts. I mean, really despises us. I'm cool with it.

Our next match was against an old rival, a team that beat us twice - both times by the margin of one game - in the regular season. We are so evenly matched with this team that we end up playing a tiebreaker game with them almost every time we face each other. They've won the championship a few times recently, and they were definitely in the running to take it this season. They're a good group of people: really honest, really nice, and as I said, very evenly matched against us. It always makes for an interesting match, but this one was ridiculous.

The back-and-forthedness of it all was almost too much to bear. We initially went up by a score of 3-1, I believe, only to have them bounce back and tie us. Then we went up 4-3. Time was running out, so if we won the next game, that would be it. They tied it up again. As usual, it came down to one final game to see who would advance to the championship match. Talk about a nail-biter:

Four minutes may not sound like a long dodgeball game, but trust me: it's an eternity. But what a game. I usually don't single people out too much (this is a team game, after all), but my teammate Katie's catches at 1:36 and 2:28 were the plays that made the game for us. Key moves in a chaotic game. Watch that video and tell me it's not stressing you out. I came home and watched it, even knowing that we won it, and it still made me ill. But won it we did. And moving on to the finals we were. And a break we did not get. But we didn't need one.

The single-elimination tournament is, depending on which side of it you end up, either a grossly unfair format or the great equalizer. I can empathize with the arguments for both opinions, but it's the way it is, and it's the best we've got. I'm mentioning this because I'm trying, rather awkwardly, to make the point that anything can happen when you're in a sudden death situation. And things went a bunch of weird ways this past Monday, because we ended up facing a team in the championship game that I would never have predicted we'd be up against.

They had only won three games during the regular season, but had somehow rolled into the playoffs inspired, going on to beat both the first and second place teams to reach the championship. It had the makings of a really great Cinderella story, and I almost felt bad beating them so badly. Almost.

The match ended up being fairly anticlimactic, as we quickly took charge and never let up, handing them a shutout loss and effectively crushing their dreams. But this is what I do: I let you get within inches, and then I snatch it away. And it hurts you. But it makes me feel great, because we won the championship for the second time. It was a nice surprise, and I can't wait to defend the title on the blacktop. Yep, it's time to head back to the tennis courts and wield the red rubbers. Shit's going to get welty.

Final standings are here.

Every game (or almost every game) of our championship evening can be found here.

A note on the videos: I spent hours last night working on my Vimeo account, and I think you'll find that it's much more well-organized now. Not only did I upload a bunch of old videos that I still had on my computer and had yet to see the light of day, I also organized all the videos in albums that correspond to game nights.

Check out the albums here.

The videos are all in chronological order within the albums and numbered as such, and I've included the URL for the corresponding blog post with each one. Pretty sweet, eh? Apparently you can't organize the order of the albums (so stupid), so that's why they're not in exact order. But there's only a couple of pages of 'em at the moment, so you shouldn't have too much to dig through.

Now you can go back and relive our past seasons with ease. You're welcome.

Feel free to let me know of any issues with the videos or if something doesn't look right. I know there's a video that uploaded sideways in there somewhere...

Spring Softball - Week Five: Again With the Closeness.

2010-05-12T01:03:00.000-07:00

Winning two games in a row was an accomplishment. Winning three in a row would have been the sweetest thing ever. And though we didn't pull it off, we almost did, and I thought that was pretty damn good. As with some of our losses last season, we had one inning that really killed us. It was our first time getting nine-runned (this is where the inning ends because the other team scored nine; some call it the "mercy rule") this season, and it hurt. We made some poor plays on defense (I missed the shit out of a fly ball that should have been caught - still pissed about that one) and the opposing team took advantage. Other than that screwy half-inning, we played great.

And this was against a team who had decisively beat a bunch of teams already this season, which made our final score (18-17, I believe) nothing to hang our heads about. Still, when you get that close, you start going over all the things in your head that could have gone differently, and you drive yourself crazy. "If I would have just caught that fly ball..." Seriously, it's haunting me. But, we live to play another day. And it was a really fun game, so I can't whine too much.

We hit the ball really hard all day long, and that's really helping us out. If we can put 17 runs on the board, we're going to keep it close. Things are starting to gel, thanks to a semi-consistent batting order and a lot of staying at the same positions from game to game. We're getting a feel for everything, and not making nearly as many mistakes. I like it.

We've got one more game in the regular season, and it's going to be a tough one. But I'm looking forward to it. We might even make the playoffs, but I don't want to get ahead of myself here...

I went 3-4, bringing my season total to 15-24, a respectable .625.

Standings are here, though they aren't updated as of me writing this.

Ton more videos here. Thanks to Leah for filming this week, as Joy was preoccupied with our rascal of a dog.

It better not rain this weekend.

The Films of Judy Greer, Part Fifteen: 13 Going On 30 (2004)

2010-05-08T01:27:00.000-07:00

Along with What Women Want and The Wedding Planner, this made up the trifecta of mid-2000s Judy Greer movies that I had been dreading. After some serious procrastination I made it through all of them, and now I've got some breathing room before 27 Dresses and Love Happens. So I'm going to put those out of my mind for now. Can't believe I'm already up to 2004. We're approaching modern Greer here.

As with the other two flicks I mentioned above, I was clearly not the target audience for this movie, so I didn't expect to find anything likable about it. And I didn't, but I'd have to say, out of the three of these crapshacks, this was probably the most tolerable. Greer mixed it up by playing a catty, backstabbing bitch in this movie, and it was nice to see her as something other than the quirky chick. She ends up being the main character's arch nemesis in this one, and she's solid as the stuck-up girl who you're supposed to hate.

I realized while watching this movie that I have never seen Jennifer Garner in anything, ever. So maybe a film where she's playing a teenager trapped inside an adult's body wasn't the best introduction to her, because anybody's going to be annoying in that role. Still, I don't plan on running out to rent Elektra any time soon.

Even if you haven't seen this movie, you probably have the plot mostly figured out: 13 year old girl wishes she was old, gets her wish, finds out that she ends up being a total bitch when she's older, and then gets the chance to make everything right again in the end. It's really touching.

Greer, Mark Ruffalo, and the dude who runs the magazine that the girl works at saved this movie from being a full-on crapfest. It was more like just a small crap party. So many chick flicks. Thank god Netflix seems like it's free.

Spring Dodgeball - Week Six: Stop Holding Your Balls.

2010-05-07T01:11:00.000-07:00

Hey, I finally worked a ball joke into the title. You're welcome, you childish, childish freaks.

As with any good sport, dodgeball is, for the most part, entirely unpredictable. One team can have a good day and beat a team that on most days they wouldn't have a chance in the world against. Of course, it works the other way, too. You can have a rough outing and get torn to shreds by a team that you're clearly better than. I'm not calling our loss this week a fluke, though I would like to. As usual, it can be chalked up to many things, but it's tough to make too many excuses for this one. We got beat by a fair margin, and even if a few things would have shifted our way, it would have been close.

So, I won't go into the gritty (and by that I mostly mean petty) details of the match because it would no doubt end in me whining about things that I am ashamed to care about. But I will say this one thing: playing the whole "hold onto your balls until the other team throws theirs" game plan is weak. Sure, it's a legitimate strategy and it really can make a difference, but as soon as you start employing any sort of real, thought-out, pre-planned strategy in our coed dodgeball league, you can count on me hating you and everything you stand for. Just throw the damn ball. Stop with this time-wasting little scheme of yours that's going to yield a possible victory after a long and drawn-out match. Just throw the ball.

Ugh. As you can tell, our first match was a frustrating loss that left us all, as usual, a little pissy. As you know, this means that we were out for sweet revenge in our next match, and that has historically gone a few different ways: unhinged anger that results in poor play, or focused ire that drives us to win. This time it ended up being a little of both, but mostly the latter.

I swear, we are always playing this orange team. I wouldn't mind, but it seems like there are teams in the league that we're not playing while we're playing these guys like three times. I think I've got my facts mixed up there, but that's how it's all going down in the ol' noggin. Anyway, it's actually not a terrible thing, because they're a good match for us, and the people on their team have a pretty good attitude. Probably better than ours, when it comes down to it. And we often need somebody to remind us that it's all a game. They're good for that. All smiley and shit.

They gave us a good run this time out, and like I've said before, they're going to be really good in a few more seasons. They're still sort of getting their shit together, but once they do, they're going to be a force. And then - and only then - will I get all Gillooly on their asses.

Things were a little too close during the entire match, but towards the end we pulled slightly ahead and held on for the victory. And we needed it. If we would have lost two in the last week of the regular season, I would have quit the team, just to get some attention. Just to feel something that could take away the pain of that loss. You fellow emotional wrecks know what I'm talking about.

Oh, yeah, it was the last week of the season. We ended up with four losses. Not our best showing, folks. We still managed to come in third, but there was a two-way tie for second, so really it's more like fourth.

We've got to really make shit happen in the playoffs if we want to shock the dodgeball world and take the championship. I should probably start doing Tae-Bo.

Standings are here.

Ton more videos here. This Vimeo Plus account is making me feel like a real high-roller.

And if you haven't thanked Joy for filming all of this stuff, you really should. You ungrateful curs.

Spring Softball - Week Four: What You Know 'Bout A Two-Game Winning Streak?

2010-05-06T00:50:00.000-07:00

We know all about that shizz.

In an unbelievable turn of events, we won our second game in a row this past Sunday. After dreaming ultimate dreams of winning one measly game, we all of a sudden find ourselves doubled over with the sweet taste of victory. It's just two much.

As an added bonus, the team we played fielded an entire squad, which made the victory that much more enjoyable. We didn't have to qualify this one. We won it, fair and square. They put ten players on the field and we did the same. And in the end, we walked away with a well-earned win. I think I've said it before, but I'm going to say it again: defense is key. There's always going to be a lot of hits. It's softball. The ball is constantly in play. It's the team that can catch the flies and make the routine groundout plays that's going to win it. And while we botched a few plays here and there this week, we made the outs when they counted.

Here's some rare footage of us in the field:

Weird, right?

Of course, our bats were also putting in work, and that didn't hurt. Still, this game was a relatively low-scoring affair, with a final tally of 10-8. Solid defense on both sides. The opposition was great at fielding grounders, which is rare in our league. They were also aggressive on the basepaths, which was highly annoying. But their attempts to fluster us didn't always work. You know why? Because we're getting smarter. People are holding onto the ball instead of chancing the overthrow. The easiest base is being touched. Foul balls are being caught. It's these little things that keep teams from blowing shit wide open on us. As long as we maintain our composure, we'll be fine.

And by fine, I mean not be in last place. Right now we are tied for fourth, which is incredible. There are two whole teams under us. Break out the bubbly and get the President on the horn. We're flying high.

For those keeping track (and by that I mean me), I went 2-4, which brings my season batting average to an even .600 (12-20).

Standings are here.

Bunch more videos here. You knew that.

Spring Dodgeball - Week Five: The Lone Cheerleader.

2010-04-30T01:16:00.000-07:00

Watch her work.

It has been a while since we lost two in a row. Hasn't it? Maybe not. These seasons all run together. It feels like it's been a long time since we lost two in a row, at least. But between last week's second-game loss and this week's first-game defeat, it happened. Better than dropping two in the same night for sure, but still frustrating. And both losses were by one game. In fact, our first one was, too, and it was to the same team that we lost to this week. Not that it would be better to get blown out, but it really stings to come so close and then come up empty-handed. There's always the playoffs, but damn - what I wouldn't give to just all-out dominate one season. Yes, I'm that insecure.

So, needless to say, we played well, just not well enough. We lost to one of our long-time rival teams, and they're a good group, so there's no anger there. I'd much rather lose to them than the folks we dropped one to last week. Look at me. Still living in the past. But this is now. And now we have to find a way to beat this team. We are so evenly matched with them that it's maddening. It's always close, it's always a strong match, and sometimes we win. But it seems like more often than not, we don't. The odds are good that we'll see them again in the playoffs, so we've got to figure something out. Sabotage? Verbal intimidation? Threats of violence towards their families? I'm getting desperate here.

Our second match was against another team that we already played earlier this season, and I wasn't looking forward to facing them again. They're a little hot-headed, a lot jockish, and as hard-headed as we tend to be, so there's already some bad blood. It doesn't help that they're a new team and seem to have trouble throwing below neck level. It's my pet peeve, folks. An errant throw at head level once is a mistake. A slip. Once you've done it seven times, you need to seriously think about whether or not you are too much of a spazz to play coed dodgeball. That's a tough conversation to have with yourself. Or I imagine it would be. I'm a fully formed human being and have complete control over my motor skills. But that's me. I go against the grain.

Anyway, there were some tense moments. Watch the video above and tell me how many times you count the dude in the goofy socks getting hit. It's like nine. His warped sense of pride apparently renders him numb in the forearm area. I've heard of that. It's usually directly related to advanced idiocy.

We ended up taking them out by a final tally of 6-3, which is exactly the same final score as the first time we played them. So, to sum up, we played two teams that we had played before, and the scores were both almost exactly the same. This is not a sign of progress. Fuck it, it's time for dodgeball camp. Everybody call in sick to work next week, we're going up into the mountains to throw stones at each other.

Standings are here. We're tied for third. Bleh.

Tons more videos here. Joy may have filmed every game. She's a go-getter, that one.

Spring Softball - Week Three: The Unthinkable Dream.

2010-04-29T01:29:00.000-07:00

I knew we could do it. Apparently all we needed was an opposing team short two players to make our lofty dream of victory come true. So maybe there should be an asterisk next to our "W," but we're not in the business of concerning ourselves with such technicalities. We just wanted to win a damn game for cryin' out loud. And win we did.

While we usually play our games somewhere around noon, this week we were scheduled in the unenviable 6:30 slot, which, combined with the somewhat cloudy weather (this is putting it nicely) we've been experiencing lately, gave the entire game a dusky and foreboding vibe. But while the skies were hazy and threatening to go dark, our play on the field was bright enough to light up the entire park. Or at least it felt that way after it was all over. During the game, which was a close one, we were scrapping. But we felt we could win, and while in past games we've missed out on some easy opportunities and certainly not made some of the tougher plays in the field, we really turned a corner this week. We made the easy plays, and even pulled off crazy shit like nabbing line drives and turning double plays. These are the things that a winning team does.

It was a high-scoring affair, and while this usually - especially in our league - indicates a game of sub-par defense, both teams were solid in the field. We were both just hitting the shit out of everything. And it made for a really fun day. Lots of singles and doubles, a few home runs, and plenty of runners advancing. A good game to watch, I would imagine.

In the end, we walked away with a 17-14 win, and a feeling that we had yet to experience. It was damn nice to have the last out not be while we were hitting. And I was part of a sweet double play in the seventh inning that really carried our momentum all the way to the end. Sweet.

At the plate, I went 4-4, bringing my season batting average up to a solid .625. I was also awarded Player of the Week honors for our league (see the POTW box on this page), but only in name. They clearly think I'm my teammate Mo. I haven't pitched at all this season. And he hit two homers on Sunday, so it's not like the dude doesn't deserve it. Well done, sir. Now someone alert the Underdog offices and get this cleared up.

Standings are here. We are not in last place. Wow.

More videos here. Watch 'em.

Spring Dodgeball - Week Four: We Insist On Keeping It Interesting.

2010-04-26T00:49:00.000-07:00

Again, apologies for the tardiness of this post. Unfortunately, I have a life outside of adult coed sports. Until I can find a way to play dodgeball professionally, my real job must take precedence. Gotta make that scrilla so I can pay my league fees, you know.

We started out a little shaky this week (as evidenced by the shouldn't-have-been-that-long game above), but as usual, we picked up steam and powered through. Our first match was against the sole indy team in the league this season (these are the squads made up of individual - as opposed to team - signups), and it was nice to be facing some unfamiliar faces. Their team rolled deep - I counted 12 players - but they couldn't mix-and-match a combo of dudes and ladies to give us much of a challenge.

After that first dicey game, we got our shit together and took a solid lead. They had some good players, but they also had a few who spazzed out a little bit and threw off their whole dynamic. This is the curse of the indy team. It's a bunch of people who don't know each other, and are thus afraid to shame each other into playing better. When we have a performance issue with a player on our team, we just shut them out until they get their shit together. Don't talk to 'em, don't look at 'em, basically act like they're invisible. It's amazing how looking right through someone when they're crying, begging for any shred of human contact, can make them see their way to playing better when that whistle blows. But that's team sports 101. Ask anyone.

Oh, in case it wasn't clear, we got the victory. 7-2, and it was as lopsided as that sounds.

Our second match came after one of our league's trademark between-match twenty-minute breaks, and it was against the team that beat us last summer for the championship when we played outdoors with the red rubbers. There are plenty of teams I don't care for, but I really reserve a special hatey place in my heart for this gang. There are myriad reasons, but I'll just leave it at that.

Turns out we're very evenly matched against them. So much so, in fact, that our games were all very intense, and after six of them, we were deadlocked at three apiece. This, of course, led to the inevitable tiebreaker, and though we had played really well for the duration of the match, we skunked it in the last game. And though this team is certainly weasely, they straight up beat us when it counted. And it was annoying. Really annoying. But we may see them again in the playoffs, so there is always the chance for revenge. And make no mistake, I'm talking about the butterfly-knife-lodged-in-the-ball kind of revenge. Fucking payback.

Until then, we've still got a few weeks of the regular season left. And they are going to be super sweet.

Standings are here. We are tied for second, which is nothing new.

Few more vids here. Watch them shits.

Spring Softball - Week Two: So Close, Yet So Far Away.

2010-04-25T00:47:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the lateness of this post. I was out of town for a good part of the week, and I'm just now getting back to my internetenal duties. Of course, now I can barely remember what happened last weekend, so this summation may be filled with blatant lies and self-serving exaggerations.

One thing's for sure: Week One was no fluke. We are not terrible. We're not great, but we're already having a much more satisfying season than last time around. That being said, we still haven't achieved our ultimate goal of winning a game, but it's no longer an absurd notion. That being said, I'll believe it when I see it. The important thing is - and I mean this sincerely - we're having fun out there. We're making the easy plays, we're putting the ball in play, and the games are less of a circus than they ever have been. All right, you get it: we've improved. I can stop chattering on about it.

We had a doubleheader this time around, and it made for a nice long day on the field. I was a little beat by the end of it, but I just love being out there, chewing my seeds and adjusting my groin area as much as possible. It's the way of the diamond.

We ended up being fairly evenly matched with the first team we played, and if it wasn't for a shaky first inning that resulted from some of our key players not showing up on time, I think we could have taken it. Instead, we fell behind early and couldn't catch up. In the end, we only lost by two runs. With a 10-8 final score, it was maybe the closest we've come to a real-live ballgame. No outlandish scores, no lopsided victories, just a well-played game by both teams. But in the end, they played weller than we did. They were really cool, and we had a fun time. I was apparently still getting warmed up on the offensive side of things, as I went 1-4.

The next game wasn't nearly as close, but I hit my first softball home run (see above), so at least I can claim a shallow personal victory. Think there may have been some errors involved, but I touched all the bases, so whatever. Some of our players had to leave this game early, so we sort of crumbled at the end (from what I remember). Our defensive game wasn't up to snuff, and a few of their hitters took full advantage, dropping some well-placed line drives into the gaps in our outfield. It got rough. We ended up losing by about ten runs, but the game was another good one. Here's a longer video:

I ended up going 3-4, making it 4-8 on the day. After going 2-4 in Week One, my batting average stands at a solid .500. I'd like to get it more into the .750 range, but that might be aiming too high. But you gotta set goals.

We're in the cellar, but two other teams are also winless, so we don't look too pathetic. Standings are here.

Few more videos here.

Next up: an evening (6:30) game. Seems like we'll be cutting it pretty close on the daylight side of things, but what the hey. I think we're playing one of the other winless teams. Could be a sweet match-up.

Spring Dodgeball - Week Three: "You Could Like, Dodge A Wrench."

2010-04-15T23:48:00.000-07:00

There have been times when we needed a confidence-boosting week much more than we needed one this time around, but it's never bad to roll to the gym, monumentally pummel a couple of teams, and walk out feeling like it's just another day at the office. Such was the case this past Monday, as we left two squads for dead and found ourselves in a rhythm that was more rock-solid than Vinnie Colaiuta during Act III of Joe's Garage. (You Zappa fans know what I'm talking about.)

Like I said - we didn't necessarily need the momentum-starter at this point in the season, as our record and our past matches are nothing to feel bad about. But we looked sharp out there, and I think that - coupled with our increased comfort levels on the new court - are going to serve us well going into the next week. I guess I can only speak for myself, but I felt great out there. While I was a little groggy the previous week and attempted to compensate with coffee that just left me dehydrated and flighty, this time my arm was back, my aim was back, and I pulled off some of my trademark shin shots that are quickly becoming the talk of the league. "That guy," they say, "That shaggy dude. Watch out for that guy's shin shots. He'll tear your shin off." Yup, that's what they say.

Our first match was against a team that we played twice last season, and unless my memory is failing me, both our matches against them weren't blowouts. Not sure what was going on this time around, but either they were off, we were on, or maybe a little of both. They ended up taking a couple from us, but in the end, we won 7-2.

One of their dudes - and I'm really not trying to be mean when I say this - was having a rough night. I kept noticing that he was getting shut down quick every time, right out of the box. I made a sweet mix of it above, and again - I'm not clowning this guy. He was just having an off night. Watch the guy in the headband on the orange team.

One of his teammates - the girl who I drilled in the face while she was bending down last season - came up to me after our second game of the match and said, "I just have to tell you, you're like really good. You're like better than everybody. I mean, you could like, dodge a wrench." Pretty sure she was just being an asshole. She said something later about us going to regionals or some shit. Sorry, chicky: I don't pay 50 bucks a season to not hit you as hard and as often as I can. So clam up.

If there was a 24-second clock for dodgeball games, we would have beat it in the game above. That pretty much set the tone for our second match. We played a new team, and again, either we were way on or they were way off, because it ended up being a shutout and it didn't really feel like it should have been. They're another team that's going to be good if they stick it out, but as it stood this week, they took a pounding. Not much else to say about it.

While we usually go into Week Four in second place (trust me, I checked my past blog entries), we're going into this one in a three-way tie for first place. Boom. This season's feeling good. Seems like we've got most of the league hating us, so that's a good sign. It just makes us work that much harder to beat everyone and make them hate us more.

Standings are here. You'll see some familiar names near the top.

I'm on the Vimeo Plus program now, so I uploaded a ton of videos to my page. Check them all out here.

More Softball Vids.

2010-04-15T01:08:00.000-07:00

I bit the bullet and sprung for the Vimeo Plus account, so I just uploaded the rest of last week's dodgeball videos (there were like three more left) and all the videos from the first week of softball.

Check them out here.

This is a lengthy process, so the newest dodgeball videos are still coming. And I'll blog that shit after I upload all of those. No more limits on uploads. Get ready for a flurry.

Spring Softball - Week One: So This Is What Almost Winning Feels Like.

2010-04-13T21:46:00.000-07:00

After the Bad News Bears-esque debacle that was our last softball season, I didn't expect much this time around. I'm still not, because I'm a pessimist till the end, but if our first game was any indication, we may pull off the impossible and, dare I say it: not totally suck. I still don't want to say the "w" word, but again, judging by our first week, it's not out of the question.

In fact, we almost won our first game. We were up by two runs going into the seventh inning, at which point the opposition got some key hits, we failed to make some tough plays, and they jumped ahead by two runs. We had a chance to come-from-behind it in the bottom half, but we couldn't pull it off. I, as usual, was over-eager and flied out to left on a pitch I should have never swung on. Weak.

But strange as it sounds, almost winning felt the same as winning. We never took a lead into the last inning last season; not even close. On top of that, it wasn't a fluke. We played great defense (can you say 1-2-3 inning?), hit the ball hard, and didn't make too many bonehead plays on either side. Ground balls were knocked down, meaning doubles were held to singles and runners were prevented from advancing. Balls hit to the outfield were quickly thrown to the infield. Runners were tagged out when they slipped off bases. These are things that real, honest-to-god ball clubs do. We even turned a double play, for cryin' out loud.

It doesn't hurt that we've got a few great new players, and the folks who played last year seems a lot more comfortable out there. Now if we could just hit the cutoff man...

We'll get there.

Standings are here. We are the Base Heads, just one of many great team names this season.

More videos coming soon. With two sports now and with Joy taking more videos, it may be time for me to think about upgrading to Vimeo Pro or whatever it's called. Their weekly limit is getting in the way of my happiness. I never thought it would come to this...

Spring Dodgeball - Week Two: New Digs.

2010-04-08T01:00:00.000-07:00

After having missed Week One because I was busy coolin' at the Grand Canyon (you know, the strip club owned by legendary adult film star Christy Canyon), I was eager to not only get back onto the ol' d-ball court, but also to check out the new gym in which we'll be playing our Spring season. After initially not being too fond of the Friendly House, we had eventually learned how to take advantage of its limited space (on the courts, at least), so moving out of there after almost a year and a half (!) was not something to be taken lightly. The upside was that, unless this new gym had literally no seating and no sidelines, there would be more spectator room, which is something we needed. The wife got drilled in the face a few weeks back, and she was ready for some high ground. I, on the other hand, just longed for adequate seating so more people could fill up the peanut gallery and watch us do what we do best: destroy dreams.

I had heard from my teammates that the new gym was indeed more spacious, but that it lacked the divider that the Friendly House had (basically a big rubber sheet hanging from the ceiling) that separated the two games. Whatever. It had bleachers. Good enough. When I first saw it, it reminded me of the Salvation Army gym we played in way back in the Fall of 2008, but a little more cozy. Fine by me. In fact, the whole vibe was a lot more like that than the Friendly House. There were kids there, a good amount of people milling around in the stands, and for a short time there was a vendor on hand working the bleachers, selling ice cold beer for 7 dollars a bottle and never asking for ID. He was later arrested.

I can't lie, y'all: I felt a little off for the first few games of our first match. It was a new court, we were playing a new team, and since I missed the first week, I just felt like I was out of sync with everybody. This would be a problem if we weren't so incredibly solid as a unit, but since we all come together on some Voltron shit, any weakness on my part was negated by the strength of my teammates. The team we were up against was, like many new teams, strong in the athleticism department but weak with the strategy. On top of that, they seemed to be a little unclear on some of the rules. But, they made for a fun team to play, and a terrific team to beat. I spent the duration of the match getting my bearings back (you would have thought I was out for eight weeks with a distended hammy), but after we secured the victory and my tepid blood started circulating again, I felt better.

Our next match was against another new team, a group of folks who one of my teammates referred to as simply "The team full of MILFs." I will not deny nor corroborate that assessment, but I think the heat emanating from the resulting videos speaks for itself.

Our match with them was a little lopsided, as a result of an early injury to one of their dudes (can't take credit, thought I'd like to) that left them with five players for a short time, and then eventually six total but only two guys. We stuck with our standard three and three. Couple this with their relative inexperience and it equaled a 7-0 shutout and a match that didn't feel too gratifying to win. That sounds shitty... I guess what I'm trying to say is that I could have used a more physical match to really wrench me back into the swing of things. Next time.

We're rolling into Week Three in a three-way tie for second place, and we're poised to make this another solid season. I'm feeling good. Confident. Fairly hydrated. Think I need to drink a little more coffee before next week's matches. I'll do it!

Bunch more videos are here, with a few more still to upload. I'm not doing a good job of syncing up with Vimeo's scheduled allotment of MBs. I need to get with that.

Standings are here.

My teammates got me into the team photo here even though I was gone, which is more than your teammates would do for you. And that's why we are winnerz.

Think about that, chumpy.

Winter Dodgeball - Week Seven: Playoffs.

2010-03-25T01:19:00.000-07:00

As I was driving to the gym on Monday night, sucking home-brewed iced coffee through a straw and listening to the Supersuckers rip through "I Want the Drugs," I began to reflect on what went wrong last week. I still couldn't pinpoint exactly where we derailed, but one thing was undeniable: our intensity levels had been compromised. We needed a few things to happen for us in the playoffs: First off, we needed to forget about last week. Second, we needed to be matched up against teams that we really wanted - no, needed - to beat. Maybe teams with which we felt there was a score to settle. Revenge has suited us well in the past.

Since we finished near the top in the regular-season standings, we got a bye in the first round of the proceedings. Rolling in and surveying the scene, the tension was palpable. After the grueling six-week season, the playoffs represent the ultimate test of ability and endurance. Indeed, it all comes down to this. Hastily-made signs were hoisted in the air, cat-calling was omnipresent, and eyes were upon us as we arrived, clad all in black. Mostly in black. Our shirts are black.

Our first match was against the team that was kind enough to play us last week after our scheduled opponents no-showed, though I think this time around they had a few more players. The game was certainly closer, and though we felt and looked strong from the get-go, the games weren't always seeming to fall in our favor. We built up a 4-2 lead, then let it crumble into a 4-4 tie. Time was running out, and one game would determine who moved onto the next round:

We decided not to leave any question as to who was prepared to move forward. We felt good, looked good, and played well, but the victory was a little too close for comfort. As is standard with the airtight Underdog scheduling, we had to wait 40 minutes for our next match. We watched a few games, rested up, and I tried to compress my arteries so the caffeine inside me would propel me into the next round. It didn't work, but I still felt strong. And I immediately perked up when I found out who our second-round opponents would be.

If you remember my boo-hooing following our poor performance in Week One, then you might recall the bit of drama that ensued with the team that beat us. Because we're petty people, we never forgot this, and when we learned that we were going to be playing them in our second match of the playoffs, a collective gleam twinkled in our eyes. It was time for the big payback.

And payback was sweet. Not only did I make a point of pegging the smack-talking girl (seriously: petty) as many times as possible, I also felt invigorated about doing so. This invigoration turned to controlled rage, channeled itself into my arm, and exposed itself as a flurry of finely-tuned throws that easily disassembled their flawed game plan. The rest of the team seemed to share in my focused anger, and we played one of the finer games we've played in weeks. The score was still needlessly close, but the victory felt lopsided. And sending that team packing was really a treat. There was no controversy this time, and nothing for either team to point at. They got beat and we did the beating. It was a good time.

Oh, and it was the semifinals. So we were, once again, headed to the championship game.

We were up against the team that handily beat us last week, and while we had some momentum rolling (aided by a sweet huddle-cheer - see above), it wasn't nearly enough. They picked us apart, took an early lead, and held onto it. So, it wasn't to be. Again. But, if we were going to lose in the championship game, I'd much rather lose to those guys than to any of the other teams in the league. They're good folks, fair players, and we always have fine time playing them. And really, after that semifinal victory, I felt vindicated. I'd still like to beat the "You Got A Lotta Heart" screwballs from a few weeks back, but we can only settle one score at a time. We'll get 'em. If they play in our league again.

Final standings are here.

A ton more videos are here, with more to come. Vimeo has a weekly limit on MBs, as well as a daily limit on uploads. I'm trying to work around it and get as much shit up there as possible. The wife shot a lot of footage this week, and unfortunately, some of it's going to have to wait till next week before it's publicly viewable. Deal with it.

A new season starts next week, but since I'm going on vacation, I will miss the first week of play. This sucks, because we are playing the teams we just played in semifinals and finals. I am not stoked. But I know my teammates, and they will rise to the occasion.

Right?

Winter Dodgeball - Week Six: Flat.

2010-03-18T23:47:00.000-07:00

I just finished reading Ric Flair's autobiography, To Be the Man, and it inspired the shit out of me. As a result, I'm consumed - more so than usual - with being the best at what I do. Ric Flair sacrificed his time, his bones, his organs, and any chance at being a decent husband and father - all to get that coveted gold. I'm prepared to do the same for dodgeball. And while we aren't yet allowed to film pre-match promos to drum up excitement before we play, if we did, mine would definitely be of this caliber. And then after we won it would be like this. And if I got injured and then came back, it would be like this.

Maybe if I had been able to cut a sweet promo, we would have looked better out there this week. Because as it was, something just seemed a little off. We didn't play flat-out terribly, but we did play a little flat. And because I am trying to develop a brash new attitude a la The Nature Boy, it really didn't aid me in acquiring an overbearing air of cockiness. So that was a bummer. Maybe after I get that new robe that I've had my eye on, everything will fall into place. All right, enough with the Ric Flair links.

The team we were supposed to play in our first match didn't show up, so we played a team that had just finished their two matches for the night but said they were up for playing another one. We hadn't played them yet this season, so that was cool. They were a little spent and we were a little cold, so things never really got too exciting. But, we racked up some quick wins and eventually took the whole she-bang by a tally of 7-2. Lots of quick games.

There were some quick games in our next match, too, but they weren't in our favor (see above). I can't speak for everyone else, but I just felt sluggish out there. I dropped more prospective catches in one night than I have in any other of recent memory, and while some of my throws were connecting, a lot of 'em were way off target. Frustrating. In fact, I think we all got frustrated pretty quick, because after we lost the first game (which was looking like a win for us until the last 30 seconds), we never recovered. We fell behind and just lagged. And I didn't sweat nearly as much as I usually do. Something was up. Voodoo? I think it was probably voodoo.

We ended up winning a few (check the vid above for one of 'em), but in the end, we were handed a loss (6-2) almost as lopsided as the one in our first match of the season (6-1). So I guess we know how to bookend things, huh? Two brutal losses on each end, one super-close loss towards the middle, and a bunch of victories otherwise. Is that a bell curve? It's something like that.

As usual, things didn't turn out too bad overall, but I think this might be our weakest regular-season finish in a while. We ended up in fourth place, though the standings are pretty close at the top, so we're still looking good for the playoffs.

Maybe I need to start drinking coffee before the games. The energy drinks just aren't doing it anymore, apparently. I think this week I'm going to pound iced coffee while listening to Helloween's Keeper of the Seven Keys, Part 1 on the way to the game. See how that works out.

Standings are here.

More videos are here.

Winter Dodgeball - Week Five: You Got A Lotta Heart, Big Red.

2010-03-11T01:23:00.000-08:00

Eh, being in first place is overrated. We don't need "standings" or "statistics" to tell us that we're the greatest dodgeball team in history. We just need to believe in ourselves. Right? I mean, am I right?

If this sounds like the rhetoric of a man on a team who lost a vital match this week, then consider yourself only somewhat astute. Because I was laying it on pretty thick. So, yes, we lost one this week. And it was a hard one to lose for a number reasons. First off, we just don't like losing. Some of us take it harder than others (my despair seems to fluctuate depending on my state of mind in a given week), but I think it's safe to say that all of us would prefer to win. Yes, the exercise is nice, and it's fun to get together with friends, but over the past year, we've become accustomed to winning more than losing. So when we drop one, it stings. This week, it stung a little worse than usual.

So, like I said, personally, I seem to take some losses harder than others. Our first loss of the season was the worst beating we've taken in recent memory, and it sucked. What sucked worse was that we had, over the course of the match, cultivated a strong, fiery hatred for the team that beat us. I'm mentioning this because it happened again this week. Or at least the hatred part did. The score was much closer. The video above is from the first game of the night, and as you can see, we came out looking sharp. Things got shaky after that, and our disdain for the opposing squad grew as we traded wins back and forth.

Sure, the fact that the score was tight had us all on edge, but it was their team being populated with chumps that really got to us. Their chumpage was detected, then solidified, following a series of incidents.

During the third or fourth game, I was standing on the sideline, watching our side of the court, when I got blindsided in the face by an errant throw from our opponent's side. The girl who threw it made no move to apologize, just looked confused and started laughing. She then continued to throw at everyone's head for the rest of the match, as did the majority of her teammates. A few games later, while I was standing on the sidelines again, this super bro on their team came over to me and said "Hey, big red. We weren't laughing at you over there. Just laughing at the whole situation, you know?" I said I had no idea what he was talking about because I really didn't, but mostly because I do not want to be in the vicinity of someone who calls other human beings "big red." He adjusted his baseball cap, muttered something about sportsmanship, and walked away. I have so much more I want to say about this dude but it would expose me as the petty, petty man that I am so I will refrain.

Other than to say that after they won the 4-4 tiebreaker and clinched the match, he walked through the high-five line and said "You guys got a lotta heart." If he was kidding, it wasn't funny. If he was serious, he is one of the most supreme choads in the history of choadboys, and that's some heavy company. Bros. Dudes. We need to stop these people before they call us "chief" or "guy" again. I have a zero tolerance policy.

Losing sucks. Losing to a guy like that is proof that the system doesn't work. But we've got to keep fighting the good fight. Whatever that means.

After a twenty minute break, we prepared to inflict some serious damage on the next team we faced. And inflict we did. I was still riled up, but managed to channel enough of my anger into pelting a bunch of their dudes and ladies. I think we may have all been worked up, because we played much better than we had in our previous match, taking command early and not letting up. I managed to get hit in the face again, but this time I was actually on the court. I once again failed to receive an initial apology (though I did eventually get a "sorry for the high throw"), but was happy that at least this time it sent the spaz off the court. You can see this all in the video above, as well as me saying something like "No problem, man!" as the guy who hit me in the face walks off the court. The fun starts at around the 1:20 mark. Witness my coolness.

We eventually won by a score of 5-3, and that was some decent redemption. But it put us back to second place, going into the final week of the season. We've got one more big match, against one of our old rivals, but we've since become friends with them so it'll be fun no matter what happens. I have new teams to hate now, so I'm concentrating on those. I'm a catty bitch. Meow, etc.

Standings are here.

More videos are here.

Last week of the regular season this Monday. I need to remove the bullseye from my face.

The Films of Judy Greer, Part Fourteen: I Love Your Work (2003)

2010-03-08T01:11:00.000-08:00

The Judy Greer-Adam Goldberg connection continues, this time in the form of a self-indulgent piece of claptrap, directed by Goldberg and starring a bunch of his friends.

I don't see anything wrong with making a movie about how fucked-up Hollywood and "fame" are, but when you make a film that is so insular in nature that only a person in Hollywood could relate to it, it sort of defeats the purpose. And whining about how screwy the industry in which you've chosen to make your make living is seems incredibly masturbatory. And that's exactly what this is film is. Goldberg clearly just enjoys dicking around for the sake of doing it, and the soundtrack features songs by his shitty band, which is even more annoying. It's amazing he and Vincent Gallo haven't collaborated on a project yet.

Anyway, the only thing that made this movie tolerable was the acting, which was good. Giovanni Ribisi is always reliable, and he's the dude who you follow throughout. Jason Lee as a stalker was also pretty sweet. Christina Ricci, as usual, is lucky she's got looks.

Judy Greer plays Ribisi's character's assistant, and she's in the flick for about a minute. Maybe a minute and a half. So that was something. But really, this movie was about friends helping friends make a movie with no plot that only makes sense if you want it to. I'm always up for artsy shit, but this was leaning towards the Gummo end of the spectrum, and that's never good.

Speaking of never good, the next movie I have to watch is going to make me ashamed to be human. I'm not going to give it away, but you can probably figure it out if you are so inclined. It's going to be a low point in my life. Possibly lower than The Wedding Planner.

I Love Your Work trailer

Winter Dodgeball - Week Four: So Many Bros.

2010-03-05T01:35:00.000-08:00

A veritable bro patrol. And they insist on stepping on my court, testing my arm and my accuracy. And every single time, they are made to play the fool. By me. And it never gets old.

We looked mad sharp again this week, and with the momentum we've got going, I don't know who's going to stop us from winning the league title. Then it's on to a decisive victory in the round-robin tourney at the state championships, then a quick domination in the regionals, and then we should be on our way to Tokyo, where we'll be up against fierce international competition in the World Series of Dodgeball. The only thing standing in our way is the existence of those events, of which there is no record. But I choose to believe. Truth be told, I'll settle for a pizza party, win or lose. I'm relatively easy to please.

Anywho. This week was weird, because we played two teams that we have already played this season. I'm assuming that this has something to do with the weirdness that was Week One, but I cannot be sure. Our league's scheduling has become increasingly erratic, and there's nothing that can account it for it aside from gross mismanagement, lack of ethics, and extreme idiocy. Whatever the reason, it was kind of weak to already have repeat matches in Week Four. Still, a thrashing is a thrashing, and I'll dish one out to whoever's dumb enough to extend an open palm.

Our first match was against our pals from Week Two, the mouthy bunch who clearly hate our guts. I get along well enough with the dude on their team who I initially had some issues with, but their ladies are loose-lipped and don't have the game to back it up. Weak combo. (See above for the no-gameness.) So, needless to say, words were exchanged and a few birds were flipped. All part of the greatest game on earth.

In the video above, you can see me throwing a little lip back their way. Not a proud moment for me, but this bro kept broing out so hard that he just couldn't contain himself. I couldn't let that slide. I also couldn't let their mouthiest gal get away with flapping her gums anymore, so I drilled her dead-on in the uterus. Just a really clean shot. It made one of the weirdest noises I've yet to hear on the dodgeball court. It was like a slap, mixed with a dull thud, mixed with exquisite victory. Strangely, she didn't have a whole lot to say after that.

The next team we played was the second team we faced in Week One, and instead of looking for revenge, they seemed like a squad ready to accept their inevitable eradication. We obliged, showing them the error of their spazzy ways. They're one of those teams that, once they get their shit together, will probably be pretty good. As it is, they're all over the place, never thinking a step ahead, and consistently leaving themselves wide open for the peggings that I deliver with such uncanny accuracy.

If you'll allow me to indulge myself for a second, I'd love to relate a few personal highlights that I enjoyed during this match. The first involved this girl on their team who couldn't seem to put a clamp on her cakehole. She was playing the cutesy role (and not well, I might add), trying to drum up some sympathy for her self-afflicted suckery on the court. Nothing doing. When she was the last one on her team's side of the court during one of the later matches in the game, I caught her while she was bending down to pick up a ball and drilled her square in the face from long range. I am bummed it's not on video, because it was awesome. And match-ending. And completely legal. I walked over and apologized, but mostly just so I could see the tears welling up in her eyes.

My other personal highlight was this match, in which I took out a bunch of their dudes in quick succession. That's how it's done, rookies.

But enough about my personal achievements. This is a team sport, and we all played well. We were down a dude again, had one dude with a jacked-up finger, and two dudes who were recovering from colds (I was one). And we still dazzled 'em. It's the Team Awesome way.

Also the Team Awesome way: sliding into a three-way tie for first in the middle of the season. Remember at the end of last week's post, when I was talking about that first-place team who needed to be knocked down a peg or two? They dropped two this week. Which allowed us - and two other teams - to move into the number one position. Check the standings here.

More videos can be found on my Vimeo page, though it's been being a ruthless bitch this week, so don't blame me if it's being screwy. I've been having trouble getting shit to work right. There's one more video (#5 in the series) that I need to re-upload, and it's not letting me do it right now. I'll try again soon.

I'm already ready for next week. My arm is in prime shape right now. Fear it.

Winter Dodgeball - Week Three: These Punks Don't Know Who They're Dealing With.

2010-02-26T01:18:00.000-08:00

Bring on the rookie teams. We'll take 'em apart piece by piece, while being sure to remember where all the pieces went, just so we can put them back together and then take them apart again. All while their family and friends watch, dejected and misty-eyed, from the sidelines. Ruthless? Maybe. Fear-instilling? Definitely.

We didn't have matches last week, and while some of us (or at least me) were concerned that it could possibly wreak havoc on the small amount of momentum we had built up over the course of our past three consecutive victories, any concerns I had were squashed as soon as the balls started flying. We were down one of our dudes, and maybe that lit a small fire under our collective buttocks. Or maybe we were just so damn happy to be back on the court after another too-long break from playing. Either way, the intensity levels were as high as I've seen them. Some of us clearly had some pent-up aggression to release (this game is superb for that), and while that can often spill over into sloppy play (I know first-hand about this), I'd say we did a fine job of harnessing the anger and focusing it properly.

And I can't speak for anyone else, but my arm felt great. I think I've figured it out: One week off from throwing is not quite enough rest, three weeks or more off from throwing is too much rest, and two weeks between matches is perfect. I also warmed up really well this time around, so maybe that had something to do with it. Whatever it was, I need to pinpoint it. Because there was no strain, no fatigue, and no errant throws as a result of either of those things. Because they were nonexistent. Can't ask for much more than that.

So, yeah, we gave the first team we played a solid trouncing. They were, like many new teams are, mad spazzy. I bet once they calm down and figure out what they're doing, they'll actually be pretty good. As it was, we handed them an 8-2 loss and sent them packing. To where, I don't know. Actually, they probably stayed put, because our next match was on the opposite court. So they must have stayed on that same court for their second match. That's usually how the scheduling works.
Our next opponents were another squad that was visibly wet behind the ears, partial to wide-eyed wandering as though they were in awe of the big show. They were in need of guidance. They needed someone to hold their hand and walk them through a humiliating defeat. We were happy to oblige.

There were a few tense moments between the many losses we handed to this squad, most involving this one tall lug on their team, who just kept southpawing his tosses at a height of about six and half feet - just enough to go over our heads, but also enough to keep us ducking. There are rules about being called out for repetitive high throws, but they're never enforced. So flailers like this guy are allowed to wing wildly to their heart's content. It is maddening. I gave him a few dirty looks and possibly said a few things. You might be able to see that in one of these videos.

He apologized to me after the match, and I accepted, while also giving him my "if you can't control yourself I don't know what you're doing out here" speech. It was possibly uncalled for, but I regret nothing. He is a menace, and someone needed to call him out for it.

Check the video above. A solid ending on that one. And a solid ending all around. We walked away with two more victories, and had one of our funnest nights in recent memory. And while my arm doesn't hurt, I have been sick in the bronchial region for the past three days, so that is sucky. Hopefully I'll regain some lung capacity before Monday. Because I want to keep this shit going.

We're tied for second with two other teams. Standings here. Not sure who that first-place team is, but someone needs to knock them down a peg. It's coming.

And there's one more video on my Vimeo page.

Let Me Loan You This Book.

2010-02-12T01:16:00.000-08:00

Actually, you'll have to wait until my wife's done reading it, but then, please: let me loan you this book.

If you're one of those people who knows, deep down, that you really shouldn't be eating animals, but you purposefully keep yourself in the dark about where those animals come from and what happens to them before they make their way into your stomach, just because you don't want to deal with it or whatever, you need to read this book.

And if you think you have an idea of how fucked-up factory farming and commercial fishing are - and you're still eating meat - then I'm fairly certain you don't know the full extent of it. I had a really good idea, and there was still some stuff in here that caught me off guard.

Let me loan you this book.

If you don't give a shit about killing animals, that's your right. But there's way more to it than just that. And it's not good. None of it is good.

I don't like to get up in people's business, and I feel weird even mentioning this. You won't hear me say anything about it unless you ask me about it, but this is one thing - in a world full of shit I couldn't care less about - that I care about. Maybe even more than I thought I did.

This book isn't propaganda. It's not a one-sided argument for vegetarianism. It's a well-researched book, written by an accomplished author who had some some questions and went looking for the answers.

You should let me loan it to you.

Just ask me about it and I'll loan it to you.

Winter Dodgeball - Week Two: Redemption.

2010-02-10T00:52:00.000-08:00

After our predictably shaky start in the first week of the Winter season, we all knew we needed to come back and prove to ourselves that we weren't the rusty mechanism we appeared to be only seven days before. Determination would be our axle grease, clear-headedness would be our WD-40, and victory would be the purring of our once-strained engine, rightfully restored to its previous glory. Or something like that.

The night started off on an already brighter note than the week previous, as we arrived and the games seemed to be going according to schedule. This allowed us to accurately calculate and disperse our pre-game endorphins, without fear of wasting any on static activity like sitting on our asses and waiting for things to get started. (It also allowed some of us to get jacked up on caffeine and still be able to fully feel its effects while we scrambled around the court.) Our first match did indeed start at the scheduled time, and right from the first whistle, we looked like a team with something to re-prove. And re-prove we did. That first video up top is the first game of the night, and it was a great one with which to set the tone for the remainder of the evening.

The first team we faced was a squad we had never played before, and they fell square into one of the categories of teams I love to beat (or at least the guys on their team did): cocky jock-type dudes who, while clearly adept at athletics, don't really know what they're doing on the dodgeball court. We proceeded to dodge the shit out of their high-velocity throws, while swiftly returning tosses of our own with pinpoint accuracy - pegging arms, legs, and many a torso. They were a nice team, and they took their shellacking as well as a group of people who just had their pride handed to them could be expected to.

We looked sharp out there, and it felt good. Any confidence we lost in our spotty first outing quickly returned, and we looked again like the contenders that we know we are and have proven to be time and time again. As the match ended and we were proclaimed the victors, I dropped to my knees at the center of the court, removed my shirt, and yelled, "We're back, baby!" Or I might have just walked over to the sidelines and toweled off. It was all moving so fast...

Our second match of the evening was against a team that we've played at least twice before, the squad full o' hotheads. We've since come to recognize that they're nice enough people off the court, but when the whistle blows, they still have a hard time keeping their shit together. Though I have to say, this time around was definitely the most drama-free encounter we've had with them, though there were a few hiccups. And I know as nice as a few of them are to us, there are still a few of them who would love to knock us down a peg. Not bloody likely.

Once again, we looked razor-sharp from the get-go. Since we've had drama with this team, even though it's been resolved, there's still that extra inkling lingering that tells us to wallop them. And while we didn't hand out a full-on battering, we didn't leave any doubt as to who the winner was. There were two lengthy matches, one of which went our way, and one of which went theirs. One of our guys also drilled one of their dudes in the face, which looked like it could have been trouble, but didn't end up amounting to any. There was also the usual dirty looks from me, aimed at people who were throwing at my head, followed by the usual claims that they weren't doing it on purpose, followed by my look of disbelief that speaks volumes, followed by them doing it again in the next match. Put a tent on that circus! Am I right?

It happened in this match specifically, which, at the risk of tooting my own horn, was my favorite of the night:

No sweeter way to claim a victory than the all-hope-is-lost, down-to-one-person comeback. Solid. And we walked away with two victories, which was solider than solid can be. Whoever's running the standings this season suuucks, so they're still messed up and haven't been updated.

But you can view more videos of our magical evening here.

No games next week because of President's Day. Laaaame. Right when we were getting our rhythm.

The Films of Judy Greer, Part Thirteen: The Hebrew Hammer (2003)

2010-02-08T01:40:00.000-08:00

I somehow completely avoided seeing this movie when Comedy Central was running the shit out of it back when it came out, and it turns out I wasn't missing much. Like many full-length films based on short films (or sketches), stretching one joke (he's the Jewish Shaft!) that's funny for a few minutes into a full-blown film ends up being a dangerous prospect.

Of course, I'm not Jewish, so you would think that the non-stop Jewish stereotype jokes would go over my head, but thanks to other comedians beating the concept into the ground for a solid fifty years now, I'm quite familiar with the overbearing Jewish Mother and the idea that every Jewish person harbors crippling, Woody Allen-esque neurotic tendencies that cause them to stammer while they over-think everything.

Thankfully, this movie had a good cast. Nora Dunn remains one of the finest female comedians in the history of the world, and a mostly-lucid Andy Dick as Santa (The Hebrew Hammer has to save Christmas) was a brilliant casting move. Rachel Dratch was in it for about 20 seconds, which was just a tease. But Mario Van Peebles was there to pick up the slack, so it was cool.

Greer plays Esther Bloomenbergensteinenthal, the daughter of Peter Coyote's character, who is the head of some Jewish run-the-world organization of some sort. She falls for the Hammer, comes into danger in the climactic final scene, and knocks some fools out along the way. It's all very Austin Powers, which makes this movie seem even older than it is.

I'll give it to 'em, though. It's a funny idea, and it really is smarter than 90% of the comedies that actually get made. So I can't complain. Although I think I might hate Adam Goldberg. Is that possible? He seems a bit douchetastic. Still not sure what I'm basing that on, though.

14 films in! There's no turning back.

Winter Dodgeball - Week One: Our Standard Start.

2010-02-04T01:23:00.000-08:00

In which we lost one, won one, and insured that some new people have it out for us. Is this the eternal fate of Team Awesome? Eh, it's worked for us in the past, so I shan't fret too terribly.

I think we were all ready for the new season to start. "Ready," of course, being a euphemism for champing at the bit and suffering from advanced cases of bloodlust. Between the end of last season being dragged out because of the holidays, and then having a month off between seasons, we were ready for some ball-to-neck contact. (I'll pause for giggling, you childish, immature saps. Are you done?) I was rocking my new Nike Dri-Fit socks, which made for a snappy complement to my already blacked-out attire. And while they certainly looked sharp, I was more interested in seeing how they would perform.

As I drove to the game, slamming Mt. Dew Diet Amp and listening to Fiddy lament the many men who wish death 'pon him, I willed the butterflies in my stomach to take refuge in my right arm, where they could do the most good. My throwing arm - which I'm fairly certain some of the people in the league have started referring to as "The Angel of Death" - didn't feel rusty exactly, but the time off had certainly made me question if it would be able to perform at peak capacity. I drove, checked the clock, and knew I wouldn't have to wait long.

Or so the official schedule led me to believe. In an unprecedented turn of events, the actual dodgeballs we were to be winging at each other weren't there when we arrived. And they didn't show up until about a half-hour after our first match was supposed to begin. Not a good way to kick things off. In the interim we occupied ourselves with rigorous stretching exercises and the tossing around of rubber balls (which I equated to swinging a weighted bat in the on-deck circle), but by that time the Amp I had chugged had ran through me, and our initial level of excitement had waned a bit. But not much. We were still ready. Or at least we thought we were.

Our first match was against a team who we had played in at least one previous season, and I recall them being a decent squad, but they made us look like rookies out there, handing us our worst loss in recent memory. The video up top there is our first match of the season. Again: not a good way to start things off. And the proceedings were not with out controversy.

In this vid from our second game, you can see a couple of wise guys on the opposing team conspire to take me out, which they do, by simultaneously hitting me in the mug and the gut. The ref ruled me out, which I took issue with, and you can see me politely arguing the call. My position? It's tough to catch the ball aimed at my midsection when there's one drilling me in the eyeball. This had happened to me last season and I let it go, but this time around it riled me. The ref pulled me aside after the match and let me know he'd bring it up at the next ref's meeting, which actually appeased me. Such are the gripes of a man with a price on his head. That price? Respect.

The controversy continued, as this spry little dude on their team took one in the back and acted like it didn't happen:

At this point we were falling apart, and there was no hope of picking up the pieces. We left the court dejected, finding ourselves on the losing end of a 6-1 match that showcased plenty of finger-pointing, a little bit of swearing, and a heaping helping of frustration.

After a 20-minute break between matches - which is just enough time to lose your gusto - we were back on the court, but not against the team we had anticipated playing. Turns out, because of the schedule being pushed back, one of the refs screwed up his math and told them to come back at a certain time, which ended up being ten minutes into the match that we started with a different team because one of the other refs thought the team we were supposed to be playing never showed up. Just more chaos in an already ramshackle evening.

I didn't recognize the team we were playing, but it became clear from the get-go that they were not to be taken lightly. After beating us quickly in the first match (see above), we made a conscious effort to stop fucking around and finally started to play like we cared. And it felt nice. Here, finally, is a video of us winning:

And we kept it up. It was a well-played match on both sides, and though there was a little smack-talking (that was quickly cleared up), the win we ended up with felt solid and without any major controversy. That team, once they play a little bit more, is going to be good. They've got some dudes with some arms. Those dudes just don't have any aim.

So, we were feeling slightly redeemed, and a little bit better about how the evening ended up. Aside from one of the girls from the first team pulling some "Oh no you dih-ant!" shit outside after our matches (it was so retarded I can't even bring myself to type the words that were coming out of her mouth), the night ended slightly better than it began. A split decision in our first night out: we've been here before. And we'll get our shit together and make the best of it. I'm already looking forward to next week.

More videos here.

I usually link to the standings, but they're all jacked up because of the confusion with us playing the team we weren't supposed to, blah blah blah. I'd say Underdog is cracking under the pressure, but what pressure?

New Sneaks.

2010-02-01T01:21:00.000-08:00

Dreams really do come true.

Through an odd series of connections, I was able to go to the Nike Employee Store this weekend. 14-year-old me always dreamed of this, and twenty years later, I made it happen. And though I could have, I didn't go too nuts. I picked up some wristbands, two different pairs of fancy socks, and the shoes you see up there.

The pair on the left are Air Max 1's, which I believe were the first Nike shoes to have the visible air window in them. I've always wanted a pair, and though I'd prefer to have the original red/gray colorway, these are also extremely sweet.

The pair on the right are Air Trainer SCs, in the black/grey Bo-Jackson-when-he-played-for-the-Raiders colorway. They even have his number on the back:That is pretty cool.

I was considering wearing them for dodgeball, but they're not as light as my Air Tech Challenges, and not quite as comfortable. They are sharp, though. We'll see.

Speaking of dodgeball, the new season starts today. Monday. I really need to stretch my arm.

The Lumiline Saga.

2010-01-28T01:46:00.000-08:00

I spoke about it briefly in an earlier post, but one of my favorite things about our new house are these two recessed, frame-like thingies that are built into the wall of our front room. And while they're cool-looking on their own, they're actually functional (for style purposes, at least). Each one has a clear glass removable shelf for a bottom panel, under which is a hidden area that houses these thin, long, odd looking light fixtures. They look kind of like this, but they're black. They're run by a sliding dimmer switch, which you can see on the bottom left in the photo above.

So, when we moved into the house, there was one bulb in the fixture on the right, and I took it out to figure out what these things were all about. I had no idea what I was in for. Upon initial inspection of the bulb, it was clear that this wasn't your run-of-the-mill light. It was long, made of especially fragile-seeming glass, and had these odd plastic caps stuck to each end. Long story short, it was a Lumiline bulb. They look like this (or that's what half of one looks like), and the caps that stick to the weird rounded metal ends look like this. The little metal clips on the bottom of the caps hook onto metal bars that are on each end of the fixture.

The most complicated light ever. So, I plugged in the bulb, and got it to work. Briefly. For maybe a week or two. Then it wouldn't work anymore. It was then that I decided, because we had settled into our house a bit and I had taken care of some of the actual important stuff, that I would pick up some replacement bulbs. Again, long story short, they stopped making Lumiline bulbs years ago. (Detailed info here if you're interested.) Our house was built in the mid-50's, and these lamps were obviously part of the original plan. Which is awesome, and I wanted to maintain that, but it was looking grim. My web searches were leading to dead ends, and I was really scouring the shit out of the internet. Strangely, 40W 12" bulbs seemed to be somewhat available. Of course, I was looking for the 60W 17.75" variety.

I also realized at this point that even if I had the bulbs, I only had two of the end caps, and though I saw some on sale online, they didn't look exactly like the ones I had. Great. I needed two more of those, too.

I went to that weird light bulb store over on Mississippi, got a long story on the history of the Lumiline bulb from the crazy lady who runs the place, and also found out that she didn't have any. I went to Hippo Hardware, hit the upstairs lighting section, and asked the dude up there if he had any. No dice on the bulbs, but he said he might have some of the end caps. He let me dig through this cluttered drawer full of things that resembled what I was looking for, and after picking the whole thing apart, I found two of 'em. Two bucks for the deuce. Boom.

It is in times of crisis that I turn to the friend that never lets me down: eBay. I set up a saved search for "Lumiline" and the results trickled into my inbox. After a few weeks, a single bulb showed up. I saw it through to the end, and got outbid. Pisser. A week later, the mother lode came up. Four Lumiline bulbs, 60W and 17.75", in their original packaging. Deadstock, baby. This is what I was waiting for. I saw it through to the last second, and I won the auction. I'm not at liberty to say how much I paid for them, but it was enough to make me feel a little stupid, but not so much that I feel actually stupid. Having those lampless fixtures in my wall was making me crazy. I was paying for my sanity.

Anyway, the bulbs showed up today. Let's do this thing. And apologies in advance for the crappy cell phone pics.

The frames were emptied out in anticipation.

The package was placed gently on the table.

As the well-packed lamps were removed from the box, I became giddy.

Wow. I have out-vintaged all vintagers. Two of the "new" bulbs, the old one that was in the wall, and the other two still wrapped up.

I forgot to take pictures of the actual bulbs, but they're white instead of clear, and they are ooooold. Time for the moment of truth:

Yahtzee.

I wasn't sure if the one on the left would work, because I had never tried it, and I hadn't had a chance to try the new end caps, either.

Double Yahtzee.

Feel the glow.

It brightens up the room and Bosley couldn't be happier.

I put the stuff back in, and it looks super crazy awesome.

That, folks, is how you accomplish something in life that is of minor importance. You could all learn a lot from me.

Kick Back, Bosley. You've Earned It.

2010-01-19T01:19:00.000-08:00

In a come-from-behind victory that shocked us all, Bosley graduated from beginning obedience class this past weekend. We were sure he was going to be held back. His performances had been spotty. Streaky, even. He had one good week somewhere in the first five, but he was mostly a spaz. So, we were fairly certain the instructors were going to suggest that he repeat the class.

Instead, driven by sheer will (and the promise of chunks of cheap hot dogs), he shined. He may have even shone. Either way, he blinded me with his well-behaved performance. He navigated almost all the obstacles in the course they had set up, including: the cones, the slab of wood with the pipe underneath it, the ramp-type thing, and the hula hoops on the ground that he needed to sit inside of. He just really planted his ass in the middle of those hoops. He also ran all the way through the long tube they had set up that some dogs were too wussy to go through. What a champ.

Then he let me walk him around the room on his leash while all the other dogs were lining the walls, and he didn't start any shit. Even kept the leash a little loose. All the dogs had to do a trick at the end, and I volunteered Bosley to go first. I took him out in the middle of everybody, and he shook my hand. It was then that I thought he might actually get his diploma. And he did. Next up is some sort of distractions class, which will be good, because he is easily distracted. We're making progress.

What else is going on...

I got a sweet new plasma screen TV at an estate sale this weekend for a great price. It gives me a non-sexual boner. I think about it when I'm not at home. We broke it in this weekend with some friends by watching Paul Blart: Mall Cop, which was not nearly as entertaining as I hoped/pretended it might be. Watched Extract on it a day later, and that was a much better movie. A pretty great movie, actually.

I've also recently watched Big Fan, which was tremendous; The Onion Movie, which was way better than I thought it would be; and Black Out, starring Brian Bosworth, which was the worst movie I've seen him in yet. Not terrible, but it was no One Man's Justice.

I also finally beat New Super Mario Bros. Wii, with all the star coins, and got all five stars on my save file. Now I have no reason to get out of bed. Though Wii Sports Resort is shaping up to be fun.

I need dodgeball season to start back up. Soon.

One of My Favorite Things About Our House.

2010-01-11T01:05:00.001-08:00

Is your address only two digits and written out on the front of your house?

I didn't think so.

Hey - because I enjoy organizing and because I needed something to help me put off the more important things I should be doing, I went back and tagged all the entries on this blog. Now they're all categorized on the left there, so if you want to just read about my dodgeball exploits, you can do that. Or you can knock out all the Judy Greer movie reviews real quick-like. Or you can read my old Happy Days episode summaries and demand that I bring them back. I might.

Anyway, they're there. Use 'em if you'd like. Speaking of dodgeball, it doesn't start up for another three weeks, and that is sucky. Luckily, I got Wii Fit Plus for Christmas, so it's time to start hitting that hard. I was sore after our two weeks off; three ain't going to make it any better.

The Films of Judy Greer, Part Twelve: Adaptation. (2002)

2010-01-10T01:54:00.000-08:00

Sadly, I have been forced to skip a few Judy Greer movies due to lack of availability. Boxer Shorts seems to be a gay/lesbian-themed compilation of short films (one of which Greer stars in), and though it's listed on Netflix (and reviewed by a bunch of people), the availability is "unknown," and has been for some time. The VHS is for sale on Amazon, but the lowest priced copy is $32.99. I'm dedicated, but not that dedicated.

Rules of Love, from what I can tell, is another short film (and an award-winning one at that), but I can't find any information on a DVD or VHS release for it. Ideally, those two shorts would have gone between The Wedding Planner and this movie, but I can't track 'em down. Just wanted to let you know I'm not missing a beat here.

I hadn't watched Adaptation. in a long time, but I remembered liking it a lot when I saw it, so I wasn't surprised when I enjoyed the shit out of it again. Nicolas Cage is capable of being so awesome; I don't know why he chooses to suck so bad 85% of the time. I guess it probably has something to do with his crippling debt. When you've got a taste for castles, I guess Ghost Rider sounds like a pretty sweet idea. The point is, he's great in this movie in his dual roles, and seeing him play a neurotic character so convincingly almost makes you forget what an oily prick he's become.

Greer's role is a small, yet naked one. She plays a waitress at the diner that Charlie (Cage) goes to, and one whose flirting leads to Charlie's fantasy (above) where he takes her to a flower show and she pulls him into a secluded area to open up her shirt to him. It's a fine scene, and the split-second boobage has been memorialized by many a screen-cap pervert on the web, so search away if you'd like to view such a thing.

After the sad sadness that was the previous movie in this excursion, it was nice to watch an overly arty flick. It was the pompous sorbet to cleanse my assholish palate, if you will. There's still some crap coming up, but there's also some movies that I haven't seen that I'm looking forward to. So, I'm still feeling pretty good about the whole thing.

Respect my follow-through.

Late Fall Dodgeball - Week Seven: Playoffs.

2010-01-07T00:23:00.000-08:00

Well, we did it again!

Yep, you guessed it. We came in second. There would be no back-to-back championships, and thus, no threepeat. All I wanted to do was take laps around the gym post-victory (this would be next season), obnoxiously yelling "threepeat!" while I held three fingers in the air... Turns out I was getting ahead of myself. We couldn't even twopeat.

But, we have no reason to hang our heads in shame. (I mean, aside from the whole losing thing.) We played really well on Monday night, and after the ill-timed two weeks off for the holidays, it was great to just get back out there and attempt to mortally wound some strangers.

The evening started on a anticlimactic note, as the team we were scheduled to play in our first-round match failed to even show up. I can only assume they sized up their chances against us and decided it would be in the best interest of their pride and their health to just sit it out. I can't say I blame them, because I was fully recharged and as welt-ready as I've ever been. Their health insurance providers could be heard in the distance, exhaling a collective sigh of relief.

The next team we faced wasn't quite as bright, as they decided to not only show up, but also to strut onto the court with some confidence bordering on cockiness. Not a wise move. And I should know, because I perfected that move, and it has backfired on me on many an occasion. As you can see from these two videos, we meticulously picked them apart piece by piece, pegging their chicks in the pedal pushers and knocking the Axe Body Spray right off of those bros.

The final score was 6-3, and to top it off, I nailed that bald dude right in the top of his glossy skull as he was bent down. It was fantastic.

The Green Team was next, and for a change, we were facing them in the semifinals, not the championship game. They bested us during the regular season, but we weren't at full strength for that game and I never felt it was representational of how we really matched up this season. So, I strutted onto the court with confidence bordering on cockiness (as I've been known to do), and readied my arm-cannon for a full-blown assault.

They didn't stand a chance. Well, that's not exactly true - they actually played really well, but we remained in control for the entirety of the match. The game in the video above was a great one. Keep in mind that a three-minute dodgeball game is a long one. This one's got it all: some bickering, lots of tide-turning, and even a short victory dance from our own Leah. A good game. And, it was just one of our victories in the match, though most were much quicker. We ended up with a decisive 6-2 win, leaving no doubt as to who deserved to be in the finals. At the same time, my shirt was leaving no doubt that it needed to be wrung out. I apparently fell completely out of shape after two weeks of no dodgeball. I'm still sore, in fact. Time to break out my Jack LaLanne LP. Anyway.

So, we had just barreled through two matches while our opponents in the championship game had been sitting and resting. (I'm not making excuses here, I'm just setting the scene.) I had a feeling that this was how the night was going to end, and I was ready. We were up against a team that we had lost to in our very first match of the season (barely), and they had since gone on to an undefeated record. They had the confidence, we had the momentum, and the match stayed close for the first six games.

We were tied 3-3, and then things swayed in their favor. I think the two games in these videos are the seventh and eighth ones, or their fourth and fifth victories. As you can see, we played hard, but they were just a little bit better. I'm not going to lie: it was frustrating. I made a few plays that I wasn't super happy with, and as a team, I think we were starting to feel a bit tired. Can't imagine where we would have been at if we'd had to play that first match. Anyway, it slipped away from us. And they had been undefeated all season long, so even if we would have won, they would have finished the season with a better record than us, and I'm not sure we would have technically been the champions anyway.

But you best believe I would have been claiming twopeat all the way.

Final standings are here, and a new season starts at the beginning of February.

Can't wait.

Dodgeball Playoffs Tonight!

2010-01-04T17:59:00.000-08:00

Decided to upload a few old vids for inspiration. Late inspiration, I might add. We play in like two hours.

Let's do this dang thing. I'm putting together my pre-game mix as we speak.

The Films of Judy Greer, Part Eleven: The Wedding Planner (2001)

2009-12-21T01:35:00.000-08:00

I watched this a few weeks ago, but I've been knee-deep in post-viewing shame ever since. It's been a dark time.

Things were not supposed to happen like this. This was supposed to be fun. It seems like one minute I'm watching some kitschy indie comedies, the next I'm frantically scrubbing my DVD player's tray, desperately trying to eradicate the stale filth this movie left in its wake.

And I just can't get that tray clean.

It's not so much that I've lost respect for Judy Greer – I understand she's an actress, and she's gotta get paid – it's more that I now fear for the future of society. If a film like this can be a certifiable hit, we can't be far from completely imploding in a pool of our own idiocy. I mean, Jennifer Lopez. Jennifer fucking Lopez.

She plays an Italian in this movie, by the way. And for some reason, that made me really angry. Matthew McConaughey plays a shithead.

Judy Greer plays Lopez's assistant, and she's wacky! She just can't get a grip!

This movie made me vomit tears.

Don't tell anyone this DVD was inside my home. I'm trusting you.